There is some kind of beauty of uncertainty when hope starts to come around. Hope that everything is going to be okay. There have been days while I've been dealing with chronic pain when it was hard to even hope that I was going to be okay. There were days where I didn't believe it but I still told my mom everything was going to be okay. Those days were hard; my mom starting to cry on the phone because she just wanted me fix and wanted to take care of me.
My emotional health was not greatest. I was sensitive, felt like everyone was out to get me, and that they didn't like me. I felt alone. Most days I would look in the mirror and just cry. It didn't help that sometimes my subconscious was against me too. I didn't do much. I just wanted to be by myself, I just didn't want to have to deal with life. I would just lie in bed and cry and be sad because I couldn't go do things.
I seemed to be crying everyday, just about little things about myself. Finally I snapped I called crying and hyperventilating to my dad. I didn't want to upset my mom, she was dealing with enough because of her chemistry class and making sure every one else in the family was fine. Talking to my dad was a slap in the face. First he got me calmed down and feeling better and then he told me I was probably making things harder for me. Yeah I was in pain but I could definitely have a better attitude about it and things would be a lot more manageable. At first I was mad, I felt like he didn't get it. He didn't get the amount of pain I was experiencing, just like everyone else. Then he told me pray.
Terribly enough I hadn't been praying as often as I should. I bow my head in reverence and guilt. I feel terrible I hadn't been praying to my Father in Heaven like I should. He knew what was going on but I hadn't been talking with him. I was disappointed that I had separated myself from the very being who will love me no matter what and help me. I pray and pray and pray. And sometimes prayers turn into conversations with my Heavenly Father. And finally I just ask the question that I've been avoiding to ask and one that I was trying not to ask. I ask why I had to be experience thing chronic pain, why I had the mental health problems, why everything else that was going wrong in my life was, and why I made mistakes when I knew better. I just laid it out for any possible whys to be answered.
And then I felt the feeling of hope. Hope that everything was going to be okay. I knew that God had given me these challenges because he knew I was strong enough to handle something like this. Better than His other children. I had hope in myself again. I knew I could do these hard things. I knew things would be hard but I could do it.
Somedays are still hard. I still have a hard time being okay with me but then I'm reminded of the love my Heavenly Father has for me. In the moments I remember the love of my Heavenly Father I reminded the gift he gave me. The gift of His son. The Atonement gives me hope. Heavenly Father gives me hope.
Having the gospel in my life gives me hope. I have hope when I look at my family. I have hope when people tell me they love me. I have hope when I create. I have hope when I read the scriptures and make the changes I need to be close to my Heavenly Father. I have hope when I see other do amazing things. I have hope when people tell me that I have helped them.
Funny thing about hope, it floats. It doesn't sink. Hope will allow us to believe in ourselves again. Without hope I would have given up a long time ago. I wouldn't have kept fighting; for myself or for others.
So to those who have reached out to me and have shared their words of belief in me and what I can accomplish thank you. You have know idea how much that has touched me and has helped me keep believing! You have given me hope again. So thank you for reading my blog and giving me your comments, whether on here or through facebook. I love you all and I appreciate every single one of you!
