Making : plans for spring break, disneyland and France are on the top of my list
Cooking : brownies Drinking : Milk, I'm always drinking milk Reading : Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, its been too long sinch I last read it. Wanting : Christmas break to last for two more weeks instead of one Looking: design books, because I have to have them all (jk but really) Playing: the piano and relearning old pieces Wasting: time designing instead of packing Wishing: for everything to keep falling into place as I prepare to graduate from College this semester Enjoying: my family Waiting: for people to realize things Liking: that I will be done with homework for good Wondering: what it'll be like having a full time, salary job Loving: who I am. And who I am becoming Hoping: for more good things to happen in my life Marveling: that my life is so much better than I had planned Needing: a boy dog to cuddle with Smelling: the christmas tree Wearing: Leggings and a Sweatshirt
Following: art history instagram accounts because I've become an art history nerd
Noticing: that I really need to get active again and actually train for a half marathon Knowing: I'm beautiful and worthy to be loved. Feeling: love and anxiety all at the same time Bookmarking: Recipes because I have a chubby heart. Opening: packages from one my favorite online boutique (Arden) Giggling: at a youtube video my brother and I have been watching repeatedly
*After you read this you are welcome to change the name, nouns and the pronouns to fit you. Or heck you can write your own after reading this. Because you know you better than I probably know you….
May 13, 2014
Chloe,
You are a beautiful, smart, kind, and important girl! You need to stop playing scared!Remember the confidence and fearlessness that you possessed. You're excitement for life! You exuberance to do and go after things. Being a friend with everyone. Seeing the good and the desire to serve. The girl who could careless about what others think. Now is a time to focus on yourself. Make yourself better. Rise from the ashes and not let your anxiety rule your life. You are strong and courageous. You are beautiful. You are capable. You are enough. You are worthy to be loved. You deserve the best that this life has t offer. But that mean you have to keep trying.
Work hard to be better, take the steps each day to be better. Meditate, talk it out, run, walk, do anything and something that will bring you peace and happiness. Write letters when you are happy, mad, or sad. Cry if you need to. And always remember to breathe.
Chloe you are awesome! You are smart. You need to trust in yourself and believe in what you can accomplish. You are capable of anything. Continue to make the effort to be better. Quit being lazy; you are better than that! You are amazing and wonderful.
Own it, be you and stop caring what others think! Be proud to be you. A daughter of God, a daughter of wonderful parents on this earth, a sister, a friend, and a human being.
Let go of the past it's doing nothing for you put keeping you there, staying in the same place. Be grateful to be alive and that you can learn from those experiences. You are blessed beyond measure! Remember it everyday! You are divine and Satan wants to stop you. Don you dare let him win! You are so much more that! You are a Daughter of God and you optional is limitless. You are you! And you are a pretty amazing person.
I wrote a post with the same title but I ended up using that post to write a talk. I know a lot of what I say in here didn't come from me it came from the spirit. I'm reposting this and sharing this because I know there is someone out there that needs to hear this. Life is hard but it is a precious and wonderful thing. We came to this Earth for a purpose and it is to help us become the Glorious beings we are meant to be.
I have thought long and hard about the prayers that go unanswered or the we answers recieve that we really don’t want to hear. Some of these lead to unfulfilled
expectations that we have for our lives. Sometimes these unfulfilled
expectations or I guess you could say unanswered prayers or the answers we
don’t want are some of the greatest blessings of our lives.
We all have unfulfilled
expectations but what do they do for us? To start off, what is an expectation?
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary an expectation is a belief that
something will happen or is likely to happen or a feeling or belief about how
successful, good someone or something will be. And the definition for
unfulfilled is not carried out or brought to completion. So an unfulfilled
expectation is something that we hope or we desire to happen that doesn’t
happen. I can list a number stories in
the scriptures where expectations were high but did not happen the way people
wanted them to. I’m sure Nephi (Nephi 5 in the Book of Mormon) was hoping
he could get the plates in one visit instead of multiple, Abraham and Sarah probably expected to have a lot more
children and probably expected to have a child at a much younger age and of
course I’m sure our pioneer ancestors (Mormon pioneer history) had expected things to be all as well
much sooner than it was.
Because of our expectations, hopes, dreams, and goals we
make plans so those things can become reality. There are a variety of different
plans we can make in this life. Plans parents make for their children, plans for
college, plans for a career, plans for marriage, plans for a family, or even a
plan for a wonderful family dinner. But like the old saying goes things don’t
always go according to plan. I remember a Stake president getting up in my ward
sacrament meeting and making the following remark “Man makes plans; then God
smiles”. At first I was confused by the thought. But now I know Heavenly Father
knows us far better than we do ourselves. He knows what we need. And He knows
what experiences we need most to become who He knows we can become.
There are a lot of things I have expected to happen in my
life. First I expected to finish my degree at BYU-Idaho this next year and
second I’ve expected my health to be relatively good since I’m at the prime of
my life. If you asked me at the beginning of this year where I hoped to be by
the end of the year I would have told you still living in Rexburg finishing up
my third to last semester. Living happily and healthy. I wasn’t thinking about
living in Pocatello until the last few weeks of spring semester at BYU-Idaho. And of course I never thought I would move
here to the Cache Valley area as soon as I did.
My latest semester at BYU-I I encountered some physical
and mental health challenges. I experienced chronic pain everyday that doctors
couldn’t seem to explain why. I couldn’t seem to control my anxiety. Getting up
in the morning was hard, my body hurt so much that it would have just been
easier to stay in bed all day.I would
cry when I looked in the mirror because I wasn’t myself anymore. This new pain
was not what I wanted. All I could manage say to myself everyday was everything
was going to be alright even though I was starting to question if I really was
going to be okay. It was really challenging when I had to tell my mom, who
called crying because she couldn’t take the pain away or be with me, that
everything would be okay on a day that I didn’t really believe it. I was
struggling in a class and as well as with my roommates. I started going home as
often as I could to escape my life in Rexburg. I prayed for strengthen everyday and sometimes
I would pray asking why. Why me? What did I do to deserve this challenge that
was causing problems in other aspects of my life. I thought I was good a
person, doing the things I needed to, and I knew he could take away my pain but
he didn’t. Why was I the one that had to
have this happening in my life? I wanted more than anything to be myself again
and I didn’t want to have to deal with these struggles. But strangely enough,
like all trails, I needed to learn something and readjust my sails, even if it
took me a good long while to realize it.
Like us, God has expectations too but they are a lot
higher and grander than what you or I have set for each of ourselves. He sees
the grand scheme of things; He knows how all of this will finish. He knows we
are capable of so much more than we can comprehend. He knows of future callings
and opportunities we need to be prepared for. He knows in order to help us He
can’t always give us what we want. Which leads to the next part of my story.
I remember a day in particular when I was struggling more
than usual and I pulled up Facebook to see one of my old roommates had posted a
Mormon Message on her facebook wall. It
was the one by Elder D. Todd Christofferson entitled, The Will of God. And I
would like to share the story he tells in this Mormon Message.
“President Hugh B.
Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency,
provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada
many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he
came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was
yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small
stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little
stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:
“How could you do
this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down.
Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me?
I thought you were the gardener here.”
President Brown
replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I
want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want
you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden
with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me
enough to cut me down.’”
Years later, President
Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a
superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be
promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was
fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon.
The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I
cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping,
praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because
of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:
“I got on the train
and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I
got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook
them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done
everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have
done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’
I was as bitter as gall.
“And then I heard a
voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the
voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The
bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …
“… And now, almost 50
years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting
me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”
God knew what Hugh B. Brown was to become and
what was needed for that to happen, and He redirected his course to prepare him
for the holy apostleship.”
So I sit there crying at the video, because I
know God won’t give me exactly what I want and I have a choice to make of two
possibilities. I could just throw my fists in the air and curse God because he
hasn’t answered my prayers exactly the way I wanted them? Or do I humbly pray
and ask for forgiveness for my selfishness and thank God that he loves me enough
to allow me to go through something hard to become better than I was. I’m not going to lie it took quite some time come
around to the latter. I continued to
struggle for a while longer but slowly things got better. I’m still unsure of what Heavenly Father wants
me to be and do but I’m following his guidance in hope and faith. But I’m
grateful for where he has me now. I can gladly and proudly say I survived, I’m
healthier than I’ve ever been and I’m certainly happier.
There will always be expectations that we want
to be met but when they become our unfulfilled expectations it’s not the end of
the world. You may fail a class that you thought you were going to be great at,
things may not work out with that guy or girl you think is perfect for you, or
you don’t get the job you were really hoping for, you could be facing challenges
of infertility, infidelity, financial needs or multiple of other things you can
up with at the top of your head. It doesn’t mean God doesn’t love you. It is because God loves you that he doesn’t always give you things you desire right away or even ever. God is trimming you and helping you become the
currant bush he needs you to be. There is something far more spectacular than
anything you can actually imagine. Just because something bad happens does not
mean you are a bad person or God doesn’t love you. God loves you so much to
allow bad things to happen to you to help you grow.
We can’t stop having faith in our Heavenly Father. We
can’t stop praying. We can’t stop believing. We can’t stop dreaming. Doctrine
& Covenants 90:24 states “pray always, and be believing.” If we don’t
do those things, God won’t be able help us the way we need to be help. Elder
Holland once said,” God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your
prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as he always has. But he can’t if you
don’t pray, and he can’t if you don’t dream. In short, he can’t if you don’t
believe.” Heavenly Father will answer our prayers in one way or another, like I
have said before not always in the way we want but he does answer them. He
knows better than we what we really need and want in the long run.
Everything is going to be okay if we follow our faith and
do what we need to do. Remember the
words from Ether 12:4 “Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better
world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith,
maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast,
always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.” Make the choice to be happy and okay with your
situation, no matter how hard it is. Its worth it. I've had some dark moments
and thought I could never come out of them but by the grace of the Savior I was
able to make the choice to be okay with my situation. Life seemed to get better
once I made that decision. Things got better when my attitude got better. Now
is definitely not the time to quit.Again I turn to Elder Holland, his words have been a source of strength
to me when everything seems to be going. I quote,” Don’t give up. Don’t you
quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead-a
lot of it. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and
believe in good things to come.” God doesn’t quit on us and we shouldn’t quit
on ourselves either.
God has a plan for each of us. And he knows how to provide
and speak to us perfectly. Sometimes that comes from our unfulfilled
expectations. It may not be what we have in our own mind but it’s the best for
us. God loves us so much He wants to help us become the paramount beings we can
be. Be happy you’re alive and a child of God because that’s a pretty remarkable
thing when you think about it! Let us remember the words from Elder Joseph
B. Wirthlin,”We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly
Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly
Father won’t, for he sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of
becoming.”
Happiness won’t come right away but it will come as we
strive to go where our Father in Heaven wants us to, be what He wants us to be,
and seek after the Gospel of His only Begotten Son. We have the atonement to
make things right again. The blessings will always come because we all matter.
Cooking : Noodles for my mom Drinking : Water, it's kind of a thing rift now. Reading : I Am Malala. It's so riveting. It's peaked my interests to get more of an understand of what Islam is all about. The culture is fascinating and I'm in awe of Malala's strength. I have know idea what it would be like to live in fear everyday. Wanting : the packing and unpacking to do it's self. Looking: at my recently finished brochure design. My first design done for someone outside of the state of Idaho. Playing: a cover of Ordinary World by Joy Williams, the words are just getting to me lately. Wasting: time designing instead of packing Wishing: for everything to keep falling into place as I make the move to Logan. Enjoying: the new glasses I bought since my stigmatism has gotten worse. Waiting: for Tuesday to come Liking: the idea that I'll be designing more often soon. Wondering: what it'll be like being in Logan full-time Loving: who I am. And who I want to be Hoping: The kids I have worked with know I love them and I'll never forget them! Marveling: That I'll be moving on Tuesday, start a new job and hopefully be going back to school in the fall. Needing: a ton of things to be done before the move. Smelling: shrimp, because I had to get that ready too. Wearing: Short shorts cause you know, tis the season.
Following: designers, they are awesome and it could be because I'm biased
Noticing: How stress really affects my body. It's good to notice these things. Knowing: I'm beautiful and worthy to be loved. Feeling: a since of excitement, peace, and nervousness all at the same time. Bookmarking: Recipes because I have a chubby heart. Opening: a new chapter in my life Giggling: at how silly my dog is
God allows bad things to happen. He doesn't make them happen. He knows you better than yourself and He's going to make sure you are growing in the correct and best possible way.
Just because bad things have happened in my life does not make me a bad person. I've always tended to think because bad things happen to me, I must be doing something wrong. In some respects yes but in others no. I made mistakes and some stupid choices but those don't define me anymore. Who I strive to be is who I should be defined by.
Change is hard, not only because its change but it's a choice we have to make. Sometimes its hard because we wish we did it sooner or we are resistant to change. Right now I'm going through change I wish I had done years ago.
Sometimes you think you shouldn't going a certain direction, like graphic design for me. But then you miss it and people you are good enough to do things. I was totally going to scrap the whole graphic design idea and pursue some other major and other desired career. But I find myself designing still and people want to hire me already. It is a gratifying experience when people tell you are great at what you are doing.
People don't think about you as much as you think they. Stop worrying about what others think of you. There will always be somebody who doesn't like you (just like there is always going to be somebody you don't like) and thats just a part of life.
We tend to do better than we think we do when bad situations happen. Granted thats not always the case but most the time yes.
Comparison will never bring you happiness. I know from personal experience. Find ways to love people instead. We should want everyone to succeed just as much as we do.
Sometimes it just takes one person to inspire you to be better. Those people are the greatest blessings of our life. Everyday I'm thankful for the wonderful people that make me better.
As much as home is a physical place I think home can be felt just being around certain people. I feel at home when I'm with immediate and extended family. But also feel at home when I'm with friends. Especially my best friends.
Life is just better when you live for right now. Life is a beautiful gift and some of us are forgetting about it.
I'm always looking for music gems and I randomly came across Jillian Edwards when I was looking at Ben Rector, who's a gem as well. I've just had some good luck with Singer/Songwriters lately. They seem to really understand the concept of great lyrics (besides Taylor Swift who does them almost to well) but I digress.
I've found a few songs from Jillian that just really get me. What I want, how I feel. I've been thinking a lot how just having people to support you and stand by you helps a lot with anxiety or really any kind of struggle in life. Having someone to stand by you I think isn't something we just want but something we also need. It's in our nature to be wanted and accepted.
I don't want worry and I want to leave my fear behind and sometimes that just takes someone who is willing to help you and stand by you; have that security. Sometimes that is choosing to just believe people and to trust what your gut is telling you and the answers you have received. Be glad God puts people into our lives that we need.
Just keep me by you. Good things are coming peeps!
As much as my blog is a journal for me, it doesn't show all my feelings. And boy do I have a lot of them. I have shared some of my hardships and I've also shared the good and happy things in my life. I've lately been opting out with the blogosphere lately unless I feel really inspired or feel prompted to share something because someone needs to here it.
I've been writing in my actual journal (paper & pen) a lot lately. I guess I feel its important to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly at this point in my life. I feel like its important to remember these things. I wish I had been this consistent since I started college so I can see the progress I have made. Honestly we don't realize how far we are up the mountain until we look down to see we have gone up and down but we are still making progress.
Today I was particularly impressed with what I wrote but I'm sure it wasn't me that wrote it. I'm sure it was the Spirit who guided me so I can look back and read it, have an added comfort and peace in the future.
Normally I wouldn't share what I'm about to share but like I said I do it because I know some one else needs to know that there is hope even when everything is going wrong. When you have the cards stacked against you, God still loves you and provides positives in your life.
"I am not going to retreat from a good thing. I am strong, independent, beautiful, loving, kind, enough, and worthy to be loved. I need to start acting like it, even if I have a hard time believing it. I need to stop hiding behind my anxiety, it has become my default. I am infinitely more than my anxiety. I will still have bad days, but there will be good in those days. I need to accept the things going on in my life and face them head on and not be discouraged. I need to ask, 'Why not me?' instead of 'Why me' I need to be strong and confident. Go after what I want. Stand up for myself, let people know of my expectations and then make adjustments. Ask for the things that I want and know I deserve. I need to stop second guessing myself because others don't agree with what I am doing."
We all have insecurities and self anxiety and guess what that is fine. It just means you're human and normal, you have a soul, and you genuinely care. You have desires to be accepted and to impress others. But something I've come to realize (after a long struggle, help from others, doing a lot of reading and research, and finding inspiration) in the grand scheme of things we are all worthy of love and love will find us. We have to believe things will get better and just love people and stop deciding whether or not they are worthy of our love. I think even of ourselves, we are worthy of our own self love. Never question that love (sadly its something I do a lot). I realize in a lot of ways I have set myself back when it comes to relationships and friendships, I accept the fact that I'm the problem because of my anxiety and lack of patience. I question if I am worthy and just psych myself out. We accept the love we think we deserve. And sometimes we don't actually accept what we deserve because we don't think we are enough and then we self sabotage ourselves. We assume, we get jealous, we act irrationally, and then we hurt the ones we love.
I won't be cured in one day just like any type of change is cured in one day; it takes time. And thats where the Godly Attribute, patience comes into play. And boy am I extremely terrible at it, it never was my strong suit but at least I'm getting a hang of it, slowly but surely. And thankfully it is because of people who believe in me, help me in unexpected ways that have helped me. And I hope they continue to give me chances and give me opportunities to show that I can do amazing things.
All we can do is expect the best of ourselves and just love others. Leave them better off than when we find them, and just keep working to be better. We may accept the love we think we deserve but we also accept the limitations we put in front of ourselves. One of my favorite actresses/heroes, the great and wonderful Audrey Hepburn, said "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'" We are all capable of anything.
Things will get better because we believe they will. Just because something as always been a certain way does not mean it always has to be. Hope, Love, Live.
And like one of my best friends told me," Don't be sorry. Just be happy."
