"Hey, I know you're not okay even though you say you are."

"Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith. It means being 'willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.' Ultimately, patience means being 'firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord' every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so. In the words of John the Revelator, 'Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and ... faith [in] Jesus.'"

I remember when I didn't feel the need to withdraw myself because I wasn't experiencing pain.

I remember when it didn't hurt to get to sleep.

I remember when waking up was easier.

I remember running was a little more fulfilling and a little less painful.

I remember when I had lots of really caring friends in Rexburg. Now its a select few.

I remember when the only hard thing about piano was remembering the notes, not my hands hurting after 5 minutes of playing.

I remember when I didn't have to pretend I was okay because I was already okay.

I remember when I wanted to be a part of everything do crazy things every night.

I remember when I didn't have to worry about the future so much.

I remember I smiled because I was happy not because I was trying to help myself feel better.

I remember when it was a lot easier to be happy.

I remember when physical pain didn't emotionally drain me.

I remember when people would listen when I spoke.

I remember when people didn't need to ask me if I was okay. They just knew I wasn't okay.

I remember when I didn't have hide the pain from people.

Lately I've trying to do my best to patient with others. Its kind of hard when you have such amazing friends before that took care of you and knew just what to say, and didn't judge you because you were "sick" or act like your ruining things because you don't feel up to it today. Sometimes I find it hard to have patience with others when they aren't patient with me. I'm willing to accommodate you if you are willing to accommodate me. I don't want to have to tell you I'm not okay, I just want you to go hey maybe she isn't okay.

When bad things happens or I'm in a lot of pain I act like I'm okay. I don't want to seem like I'm giving up or weak. I would much rather be the one taking care of others rather than having others take care of me. I want to feel normal. I've never felt normal until I came to college and now that has changed. I don't want to feel like other people need to take care of me. But when people do take care of me I'm grateful and glad someone is willing to help me and was paying attention. Paying attention to me like I would pay attention to them when I know something is not okay.  I'm glad when someone take the opportunity to say hey let me help you because I know you are not okay. Its easier for me being a person who has a hard time asking for help. I rather just give what I can to help rather than asking for help. And its definitely a pride issue but its how I've been since I was little. And here's me setting aside my pride and saying hey I really do need help, I really do need someone to understand, I really am not okay, could you give me a hug or help me with little things around the house, could you understand that when I say I'm okay right now I'm really not that okay.

I wish I okay and I wish I could make it stop. Please, would you just help me.