Tuned In: Sink My Feet

I'm always looking for music gems and I randomly came across Jillian Edwards when I was looking at Ben Rector, who's a gem as well. I've just had some good luck with Singer/Songwriters lately. They seem to really understand the concept of great lyrics (besides Taylor Swift who does them almost to well) but I digress. 

I've found a few songs from Jillian that just really get me. What I want, how I feel.  I've been thinking a lot how just having people to support you and stand by you helps a lot with anxiety or really any kind of struggle in life. Having someone to stand by you I think isn't something we just want but something we also need. It's in our nature to be wanted and accepted. 

I don't want worry and I want to leave my fear behind and sometimes that just takes someone who is willing to help you and stand by you; have that security. Sometimes that is choosing to just believe people and to trust what your gut is telling you and the answers you have received. Be glad God puts people into our lives that we need. 

Just keep me by you. Good things are coming peeps! 

thoughts from my journal

As much as my blog is a journal for me, it doesn't show all my feelings. And boy do I have a lot of them. I have shared some of my hardships and I've also shared the good and happy things in my life. I've lately been opting out with the blogosphere lately unless I feel really inspired or feel prompted to share something because someone needs to here it.

I've been writing in my actual journal (paper & pen) a lot lately. I guess I feel its important to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly at this point in my life. I feel like its important to remember these things. I wish I had been this consistent since I started college so I can see the progress I have made. Honestly we don't realize how far we are up the mountain until we look down to see we have gone up and down but we are still making progress.

Today I was particularly impressed with what I wrote but I'm sure it wasn't me that wrote it. I'm sure it was the Spirit who guided me so I can look back and read it, have an added comfort and peace in the future.

Normally I wouldn't share what I'm about to share but like I said I do it because I know some one else needs to know that there is hope even when everything is going wrong. When you have the cards stacked against you, God still loves you and provides positives in your life.

"I am not going to retreat from a good thing. I am strong, independent, beautiful, loving, kind, enough, and worthy to be loved. I need to start acting like it, even if I have a hard time believing it. I need to stop hiding behind my anxiety, it has become my default. I am infinitely more than my anxiety. I will still have bad days, but there will be good in those days. I need to accept the things going on in my life and face them head on and not be discouraged. I need to ask, 'Why not me?' instead of 'Why me' I need to be strong and confident. Go after what I want. Stand up for myself, let people know of my expectations and then make adjustments. Ask for the things that I want and know I deserve. I need to stop second guessing myself because others don't agree with what I am doing."

We all have insecurities and self anxiety and guess what that is fine. It just means you're human and normal, you have a soul, and you genuinely care. You have desires to be accepted and to impress others. But something I've come to realize (after a long struggle, help from others, doing a lot of reading and research, and finding inspiration) in the grand scheme of things we are all worthy of love and love will find us. We have to believe things will get better and just love people and stop deciding whether or not they are worthy of our love. I think even of ourselves, we are worthy of our own self love. Never question that love (sadly its something I do a lot). I realize in a lot of ways I have set myself back when it comes to relationships and friendships, I accept the fact that I'm the problem because of my anxiety and lack of patience. I question if I am worthy and just psych myself out. We accept the love we think we deserve. And sometimes we don't actually accept what we deserve because we don't think we are enough and then we self sabotage ourselves. We assume, we get jealous, we act irrationally, and then we hurt the ones we love.

I won't be cured in one day just like any type of change is cured in one day; it takes time. And thats where the Godly Attribute, patience comes into play. And boy am I extremely terrible at it, it never was my strong suit but at least I'm getting a hang of it, slowly but surely. And thankfully it is because of people who believe in me, help me in unexpected ways that have helped me. And I hope they continue to give me chances and give me opportunities to show that I can do amazing things.

All we can do is expect the best of ourselves and just love others. Leave them better off than when we find them, and just keep working to be better. We may accept the love we think we deserve but we also accept the limitations we put in front of ourselves. One of my favorite actresses/heroes, the great and wonderful Audrey Hepburn, said "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'" We are all capable of anything.

Things will get better because we believe they will. Just because something as always been a certain way does not mean it always has to be. Hope, Love, Live.

And like one of my best friends told me," Don't be sorry. Just be happy."

Tuned In: The Luckiest

I'm back to my old ways and sharing music that I love. I recently watched About Time, cried my eyes out and feel in love with the Ben Folds song at the end. I know classic me! I love how music is able to use the simplest phrases that are profound. I can say is lately I have felt like the luckiest.

Honestly love is a beautiful thing, even if it makes you stupid. Love is luck, really. Lucky you find them when you do, lucky for whoever it is. Lucky in love. 

I Am.

In my search of refinding myself and going through self discovery I think its important everyday 

that I remind myself who I am. I think any one men and women could benefit from this. I am a list make so you'll find such lists in my journal, notebooks, and scraps of paper. 

One essential idea is knowing that I am a beloved Daughter of God of infinite worth. For me knowing that I am someone's is enough to light a spark in me. Everyday I see God's love, it could be an answer to a prayer or just the beauty of the earth. The understanding of "I am a Child of God" has taken time and work and a lot of prayers. 

It's important to understand who we are. It gives us a purpose and meaning to our lives. It reminds us of the greatness with in us. It reminds us we have a power to change the world. We can build others up and stop tearing them down. 

So here is the list of things that I know I am. 

I Am:

A sister who is an example to her sisters and brother. I love them and I know they love me.  I need to help and inspire them. 

A great friend who will do anything for those I love. I would do anything for all of my friends that I know love me. I will go out of my way to make sure a friend is okay. Whether its with silence, just listening, a hug, or a quick I'm thinking about you. 

A member of my Relief Society. I am apart of the largest women organization in the world. I feel needed and valued.  I am not an oppressed LDS woman, I am empowered everyday for the responsibility and the service I need to accomplish in this organization. 

A teacher to the children I help at the school. I give them the love they deserve and I help them know that they are safe at school. 

A future wife and a mother. I will love my future husband and children with all my heart and give them  110%. I deserve to be treated with love and respect. I deserve some who is crazy about me, who will protect me and my children. Who will go to the end of the world for me. Who won't make excuses; who will never leave me to question and will prove to me everyday that he deserves me. My children will love me and I will teach them that God loves them and cherishes them. I will share my testimony with them. That their mom and dad love them. That they are important and that their best is enough. 

A daughter of Heavenly and Earthly Parents who love me dearly and unconditionally. They want me to obtain the greatest they know I have inside me. I am beloved and important to all of them. Who deserves and accepts their love.  I am essential to their plan, I am enough. They believe in me and I trust in them. 

Who are you?

God Loves Us.

For anyone that knows me well, they know I have a great love for Elder Jeffery R. Holland and his comforting words. I know I have written about his wonderful video Wrong Roads but now I'm writing from a different perspective, not about boys but about life in general. I'm going to focus more towards the end of his video where he states this powerful message:

"I have absolute certain knowledge, perfect knowledge that God loves us, He is good, He is our Father. He expects us to pray and trust and be believing and not give up and not panic and not retreat and not jump ship when something doesn't seem to be going right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing, we keep trusting, following that same path and we will live to fall in His arms and feel His embrace and hear Him say, 'I told you it would be okay. I told you it would be alright."

Sometimes I wonder why I feel like things aren't okay when I know God loves me. That should be reason enough to keep the faith. I have a Heavenly Father and Mother who love me more than I probably could probably comprehend, yet there are days when I ask why me. I've been trying to ask "Why not me?" Obviously that is easier said than done.

Sometimes I have hard time wanting to stay in and not jump ship when things don't seem to be going right. I find its easier to run, hide from life, and just stop trying. Thats not really what God sent me down here to do.

He sent me down here to learn things about myself, understand that he knows what I am capable of. become like him, and truly learn the power of faith.

There are a couple people who I look up, who have an understanding God's love greater than I. One is Stephanie Nielson and the other is my cousin Ashlee Birk. Stephanie was badly burned and almost lost her life. I'm sure there were days where she wanted to give up and wanted to just die rather than go through her chronic pain(physically and emotionally). But she knew God still loved her despite this bad thing happening, He had a purpose for her. She was to be a wife, a mother, and a great messenger of the gospel. I'm sure she still has hard days where things don't seem to be alright but she looks to her blessings and the goodness she does have in her life. Ashlee has experienced tragedies people don't even want to think about. Sometimes bad things happen and this is probably the worst. I don't know to go into details, you can check her blog out and read her comforting words, but I will tell you this. Ashlee hasn't given up, she has kept her faith and I see her trust in God in every single post she writes. She knows God loves her and her family. She know things will be alright in the end.

It's strong women like Stephanie and Ashlee that make me feel, I wouldn't say stupid, but just bad that I think my life is hard. It is hard for me but their challenges are greater and they are handling them with grace, compassion, and faith. They know God loves them.

I don't think God makes bad things happen but I think He allows them so we can turn to him in love, faith, and trust. He allows them to happen to show us how strong we really are. That things are worth fighting for and giving up isn't the only option (and really we shouldn't consider it as an option).

Like Elder Holland, I know God loves and He is good. He wants the best for us. He wants us to trust him. The answers to our prayers and the healing to our pain does not come from standing by passively. It comes when we walk by faith and we keep working. They won't be this grand happenings, but small tender mercies. God will never answer in the ways we want but in the perfect ways he know. I know he will answer our prayers and help us find healing. The Atonement of Jesus Christ will in enable us and heal us when times are tough. The Atonement is there to make things right.

I know God loves me and He loves you. Just pray to feel is love and to understand that you are great in the eyes of Him that created you. We are his children and everything will be alright in the end because He loves us. I know there will be day when our loving Heavenly Father will hold us and he will tell us that he will "I told you it would be okay. I believed in you."

The Bay

Sometimes you have to seize opportunities even when they don't seem the most logical with your current life situation. (You should read this post and browse the picture while listening to "Save Me San Francisco" by Train. Its just a good idea.)

Planning on moving soon and missing work for a weekend trip did not make sense in the slightest bit but it happened. Two weeks ago, Haley (my awesome friend and old roommate) told me I should go to the Bay with her for a dear friend's wedding. I was hesitant at first and I was still skeptical after I finally debated for a week and said yes. I have never been on a road trip this big. Most of my road trips have a destination in Utah. Super exotic I know.

A road trip at this scale was an adventure to say the least. I got to experience Northern Nevada and Northern California. My favorite part was the latter. I was not that impressed with the drive through Nevada; it was a whole lot of nothing. Louie (my camry), did great with gas mileage. I was super impressed because gas prices got higher the closer we got to California. Needless to say Haley and I got bored (it was an 11 hour drive) and spoke in accents a lot of the time. It was so great to catch up and talk about all the drama and happy things going on in our life. I definitely miss living with her. As soon as we got across the California border the trees and natures beauty reigned king. The going through the Sierra-Nevada's is a gorgeous drive. Plus it was snowing, and you don't think California and Snow mix but in all reality they do. I feel like California gets the best of everything, the gorgeous desert, the mountains, the forests, and of course the ocean. I love coastal areas. It's probably because I love water so much.

An 11 hour drive was definitely worth it. I did feel somewhat claustrophobic when we were driving near Sacramento; he humidity was a new feeling.  I almost needed a De-humidifier because I was not use to that much water in the air. I've been living in the dry air for 22 years. My hair definitely loved the humidity, and I loved that my hair loved it. I got to help Ashley get her back yard ready for the wedding, see Concord and Walnut Creek and the surrounding areas. It was just breath taking to see somethings that I have only seen in pictures. Going to the Oakland temple and looking across the Bay was gorgeous. I could see the city and the Golden Gate Bridge. I could even see Alcatraz. Haley's dad spoiled us (Haley, Kaylee, and I) by taking us to dinner at the San Francisco Creamery. That place was delicious. I recommend getting the California Chicken Burger and the Red & White Sundae! I was so stuffed from eating all the food plus being at sea level was a new feeling for me. I also got to try sushi for the first time, I think I need to eat it more to get used to the texture. And of course I got San Francisco Clam Chowder in a sour dough bread bowl that was yummy (best I've ever had in a long time). I wish I got some In-And-Out too but it was just go, go, go! I wanted to eat everything! But that would be a bad idea. 

I also got the best tour guides that took me to San Francisco, Alba and Tom. Alba is an old roommate and one of my favorite people. Tom was my FHE dad and in my FHE group during my second Semester at BYUI.

I got to see some amazing things, eat some super delicious food while I was at the Pier and the Wharf. Honestly you can get better restaurants and more variety in higher populated area period. Needless to say I need to move there so I can try new things for a couple of years with out getting bored. So here is a big photo dump of my amazing trip! I'll work on getting them in chronological order (definitely not to night or you could just go through my album on Facebook) I'll definitely be making adjustments to this post eventually. After I'm finally caught up on my sleep!

 

Stock Up

Making :  Memories. I loved being with my old roommates for the weekend.

Cooking : nothing. I haven't been feeling that domestic lately.
Drinking : California Tap water. It's better than Idaho. 
Reading : To Kill a Mockingbird 
Wanting : to go back to the Bay
Looking: through all my pictures from my trip.
Playing: Monopoly with the family, with a mormon twist. You have to pay tithing.
Wasting: Money on gas to go to the Bay. 
Wishing: for a job in Logan to come my way. 
Enjoying: the picture I bought of the Golden Gate Bridge. 
Waiting:  to see my best friend in 2 weeks. 
Liking: my shirts I bought at H&M
Wondering: what it would be like to be graduated and working a full-time job. 
Loving: who I am. And who I want to be
Hoping: For a good rest of the month.
Marveling: At the fact that I got to see Alba this past weekend. 
Needing: nothing. My heart is full. 
Smelling: the ocean. I love being at the ocean
Wearing: PJs, love feeling comfy. 

Following:  The whole Ukraine debacle. Foreign affairs intrigue me. 

Noticing: How not the great driving through Northern Nevada for 6 hours isn't that great. 
Knowing: I'm beautiful and worthy to be loved. 
Feeling: awesome because I am awesome.
Bookmarking: workouts, got to get my body ready for swim suit ready. 
Opening: old design files, fixing what needs to be fixed. 
Giggling: Kaylee ,around Elko, was tired of the being the car and started exercising in the back seat and it was hilarious.