Please be warned that some things in this post might shock you. It was hard enough to share and I felt impressed to share because I don't want teenage girls or young adult women making the same stupid mistake as me.
As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression on pretty much a daily occasion one thing that I struggle with if people are being genuinely honest or are they just being nice. I have since decided that a lot of it is just me having issues and they are really being genuinely honest. Lets have a little break down about whats going through my head. And something that helped me resolve this thinking.
Since the move was going to happen I've had a lot of people tell I was going to meet the guy I was going to marry. It started with my supervisor at the Scale House, our I think it was just you'll be married by next year. Then it was my boss when he talked about how I probably wasn't coming back Harvest of 2014, I figured he was just saying that because I was moving with my family. Then I was frequently asked by Truck Drivers who my boyfriend was. They can be sweet sometimes. Then I was talking to a friend that I used to work with who proceeded to tell me that I had plenty of girl friend material and that the boys in Rexburg didn't have enough boyfriend material--I figured he was just being nice. He said that life would throw a man at me because I didn't deserve two years of hell in a row. Sweet. Then I have talked to a few people that have told me I was going to find a guy here in Pocatello. Either these people are delusional are being utterly sweet to me or they are on to something I don't want to believe.
I want to believe these people with all my heart but that well has run dry. I'm coming to terms with the idea of being by myself. I've been doing it for so long its my comfortable void. When I do open up I either I get hurt or I start to loose interest in the guy. Or I look at a guy and think oh he looks nice and interesting and I shut down the idea because I don't think I'm good enough or I just think "you have no chance because you have no idea what your doing when it comes to guys."
I'm a wallflower, a plain jane, and yet I have done nothing for myself when it comes to guys. So I've come to this conclusion I think they are being honest to some degree. They see my potential and they want me to achieve that. And there's me who just brushes off what they say, thinking they are just being nice and not believing in myself. And now I'm asking myself why is that? Well I guess more of my mom asking me that.
Do I really not think that I'm worth it. Well after writing this I guess I don't. Do I want to change it? Yes but not really, thats to hard and I don't want to come off as conceded and I would rather be comfortable. But no, I do want to change. And I do have a reason to believe I deserve the best.
Let's just say that while I was home I gave in to a piece of crap guy and "hooked up" (made out with) with him because I thought I couldn't do any better and I was just destined to get not so great guys because those are the only ones after me. I got hurt emotionally. I learned I couldn't just kiss a guy for no reason at all like a close friend I know. I felt jaded and tarnished after it happened not to mention he was terrible kisser. Shouldn't you kiss someone who brings out the best in you. Shouldn't a kiss really mean hey I love you and thank you for staying and making me a better person. Not hey I really don't care about you and I just really had this urge and wanted to get it out. Yeah I think your Hot but thats about it, there is nothing more I want from you or think of you in any other way. I really don't want to hear about our problems even though I tell you
And it was after I kissed him that I thought guys like that were pathetic and disgusting and why the heck was I coming to his sick level. Because I wanted to believe what he was saying to me. I wanted to make believe for a while that a guy actually liked me. But I wanted revenge, which I shouldn't have wasted my time with the idea. The guy doesn't deserve to be thought off because his ideas of girls are wrong. He doesn't deserve my tears. And I feel bad for his sad, pathetic self that thinks its okay to treat girls that way. But I was just as wrong...I never should have let myself go like that and cave in. I made the choice to enter his level.
Most importantly I feel bad for myself for letting me sink that low. I have self esteem issues every once and a while but never something that low. I do think better of myself and I will never let myself sink that low. Want to know why? Because I am a beautiful daughter of God. A beautiful Daughter of God who learns from her tragic mistakes and through hard times. A beautiful daughter of God who has a ton of people that believe in her. A beautiful daughter of God who has parents tell her everyday that she is smart, talented, beautiful and worth it. That any worthy young man would be lucky to marry a girl like me and their is nothing wrong with waiting for the right guy. A beautiful daughter of God with a ton of people who believe in me. They see something with me that I have a hard time seeing I just need to trust in what my parents say and what people believe in me say. I should believe if believing is all I can do. Even if I don't have faith in it, believing is just the start.
I hope when I meet the right guy he can forgive me and my stupid moments. Because I've forgiven myself.
Its been a long year and I'm finally ready to be here.
As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression on pretty much a daily occasion one thing that I struggle with if people are being genuinely honest or are they just being nice. I have since decided that a lot of it is just me having issues and they are really being genuinely honest. Lets have a little break down about whats going through my head. And something that helped me resolve this thinking.
Since the move was going to happen I've had a lot of people tell I was going to meet the guy I was going to marry. It started with my supervisor at the Scale House, our I think it was just you'll be married by next year. Then it was my boss when he talked about how I probably wasn't coming back Harvest of 2014, I figured he was just saying that because I was moving with my family. Then I was frequently asked by Truck Drivers who my boyfriend was. They can be sweet sometimes. Then I was talking to a friend that I used to work with who proceeded to tell me that I had plenty of girl friend material and that the boys in Rexburg didn't have enough boyfriend material--I figured he was just being nice. He said that life would throw a man at me because I didn't deserve two years of hell in a row. Sweet. Then I have talked to a few people that have told me I was going to find a guy here in Pocatello. Either these people are delusional are being utterly sweet to me or they are on to something I don't want to believe.
I want to believe these people with all my heart but that well has run dry. I'm coming to terms with the idea of being by myself. I've been doing it for so long its my comfortable void. When I do open up I either I get hurt or I start to loose interest in the guy. Or I look at a guy and think oh he looks nice and interesting and I shut down the idea because I don't think I'm good enough or I just think "you have no chance because you have no idea what your doing when it comes to guys."
I'm a wallflower, a plain jane, and yet I have done nothing for myself when it comes to guys. So I've come to this conclusion I think they are being honest to some degree. They see my potential and they want me to achieve that. And there's me who just brushes off what they say, thinking they are just being nice and not believing in myself. And now I'm asking myself why is that? Well I guess more of my mom asking me that.
Do I really not think that I'm worth it. Well after writing this I guess I don't. Do I want to change it? Yes but not really, thats to hard and I don't want to come off as conceded and I would rather be comfortable. But no, I do want to change. And I do have a reason to believe I deserve the best.
Let's just say that while I was home I gave in to a piece of crap guy and "hooked up" (made out with) with him because I thought I couldn't do any better and I was just destined to get not so great guys because those are the only ones after me. I got hurt emotionally. I learned I couldn't just kiss a guy for no reason at all like a close friend I know. I felt jaded and tarnished after it happened not to mention he was terrible kisser. Shouldn't you kiss someone who brings out the best in you. Shouldn't a kiss really mean hey I love you and thank you for staying and making me a better person. Not hey I really don't care about you and I just really had this urge and wanted to get it out. Yeah I think your Hot but thats about it, there is nothing more I want from you or think of you in any other way. I really don't want to hear about our problems even though I tell you
And it was after I kissed him that I thought guys like that were pathetic and disgusting and why the heck was I coming to his sick level. Because I wanted to believe what he was saying to me. I wanted to make believe for a while that a guy actually liked me. But I wanted revenge, which I shouldn't have wasted my time with the idea. The guy doesn't deserve to be thought off because his ideas of girls are wrong. He doesn't deserve my tears. And I feel bad for his sad, pathetic self that thinks its okay to treat girls that way. But I was just as wrong...I never should have let myself go like that and cave in. I made the choice to enter his level.
Most importantly I feel bad for myself for letting me sink that low. I have self esteem issues every once and a while but never something that low. I do think better of myself and I will never let myself sink that low. Want to know why? Because I am a beautiful daughter of God. A beautiful Daughter of God who learns from her tragic mistakes and through hard times. A beautiful daughter of God who has a ton of people that believe in her. A beautiful daughter of God who has parents tell her everyday that she is smart, talented, beautiful and worth it. That any worthy young man would be lucky to marry a girl like me and their is nothing wrong with waiting for the right guy. A beautiful daughter of God with a ton of people who believe in me. They see something with me that I have a hard time seeing I just need to trust in what my parents say and what people believe in me say. I should believe if believing is all I can do. Even if I don't have faith in it, believing is just the start.
I hope when I meet the right guy he can forgive me and my stupid moments. Because I've forgiven myself.
Its been a long year and I'm finally ready to be here.
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