14 Things

So much is going on in my life and I can't help but feel so grateful. It took time and courage to get to where I am. I'm proud to say I'm me. So here is a gratitude list of the 14 things I'm already grateful for in 2014. 

1} I'm grateful for Pocatello, who would have thought that a new town is what I needed after crazy year of health problems and losing a sense of myself. Pocatello as brought me peace, love, and happiness into my life again. It has brought me closer to my family, my faith, and my hope. 

2} I love working at Washington Elementary. Although I want babes of my own, Heavenly Father has given me the opportunity to make a difference in children lives. I love going to recess and hearing the first graders call out, "Miss Chloe! Miss Chloe!" I love seeing the eyes of the children light up when I say they are smart. 

3} My unexpected best friend. A person that came into my life when I least expected, when I probably deserved it the least. This person reminds me I'm good, smart, and beautiful. Tries to understand me, my feelings, and emotional and physical health. And thats really all I ask for in a friendship is understanding and patience. 

4} A body that looks like it belongs to a twenty something year old. It's not that I was super over weight before but I knew what I was seeing wasn't the product of me working out and eating right. And my body doesn't hurt all over and I can go be crazy and run around. I'm grateful I'm 12 pounds lighter and that I look like me again!

5} To be able to get up in the morning at not feel pain. Sometimes you take for granted the little things and then those things are taken away from you. And if you are lucky you might get a second chance to get it back!

6} The best support team in the world.  I have my family and a wonderful group of friends. Although I'm terrible at keeping in touch I know they still love me and support me. I'm so grateful for my parents for letting me live with them until I figured my life out and I regained a healthier emotional health. I'm grateful for my friends that have stood by me and continued to believe in me even when it was getting hard.

7}To have a plan for the future. I'm one of those crazies that needs a plan to feel full filled. It took me about 4 1/2 months to figure it out.  It's not really that much of a secret anymore but my big secret is I have planned on Utah State to be my university where I will finish of my degree. I don't know whether thats graphic design or early childhood development we shall have to waitt for the future to unfold. Look out Logan, Utah here I come.

8} My faith that everything will be okay and will work out for the best. Sometimes my lack of patience likes to get in the way but when I do take a breath and rely on my faith I feel peace. I love those moments the best because I don't worry I'm just content with living in the present; I don't feel the need to rush.

9} My iPhone is my greatest source with connecting to those I love. I'm glad I'm able to send a quick text saying "I love you" or "I hope your having a great day" or  just "How is life going". I'm able to let them know that I am thinking about them. Not to mention I get to see all my friends crazy pictures and miss them like crazy because I miss living with them.

10} The book "A Man's Search for Meaning" is creating impact in my life because I'm rereading it again. I was required to read for a humanities class about Art and Propaganda. When I read it then, I was just reading it for a grade but now I'm reading it to gain perspective and to change my attitude. People can take everything from you, your livelihood, your family, your possessions but they can't take your attitude. That is the one thing they can not take from you.

11} I'm gaining patience. Some days it doesn't feel like it but its happening. And I'm glad I've kept working on it despite how difficult it is for me. I'm so grateful for patience because I know I can be overbearing and I know its something I need to give back in return because that is an excellent way to show appreciation back. 

12} My calling, having a leadership calling is quite hard but it has taught me how to serve better. What to do better when I no longer have this calling. I find myself teaching myself a lot more even though I'm the one teaching the lesson. I've learned so much of myself and I have strengthened my testimony.

13} Being able to look in the mirror and say I am beautiful. For the longest time I couldn't say it because I didn't believe. And then everyday for the past month( January) I said I am beautiful, strong, enough, smart, and a plethora of other characteristics I need to believe. It has helped that I have a best friend that tells me I shouldn't question my beauty, and that I should stop thinking I'm not. 

14}Natural Vitality's Calming Drink Mix. I know this may sound cheesy or maybe just pathetic but I'm always glad when I can find something that will help me sleep better at night. Since officially parting ways with my ADD medication (and I plan on to moving on to something else) I have had a hard time falling asleep. That is what I struggle the most with when I'm not taking medication (sometimes, I'll even lack the motivation to stay focused too but thats another story.). Not only does it help with my sleep it also helps with the anxiety too. 

Granted I'm thankful for a lot of things but these are definitely my top 14 (if there is such a thing as a top 14). I can't help but be so glad that I went through all that terribleness last year to be where I am at today. If it weren't for difficult trails I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't be ready for all the changes that will be coming in my life in the next 5 months. Stay tuned! 

Skate

Not the winter kind of skating but more of the roller kind. One of the ward's in my YSA stake decided to host a stake activity. It was at the nostalgic Deleta, and when I say nostalgic I mean roller rinks remind me of the 70's and 80's. I had a stellar time with my friends. Needless to say I love roller skating and I love being a dork. Deleta is definitely a gem I will go back to. 

nothing like a good iPhone photo dump ;)

Awkward & Awesome

I told you this would be a thing, and I find it more hilarious than any of my dear boys but maybe that's because I haven't been doing "dear boy" posts in quite some time. My level of interaction with the opposite-sex has been up. Let's just say I'm not bringing some poor cat into my life anytime soon; most definitely a fish because they just have a blank look on their faces and won't judge me.

Awkward:
//The fact I went to work today with no makeup on. I just got back from my favorite city, Logan. Since taking this job at the elementary school I have always worn make up to work. I still look nice just my face isn't painted on.
//Going to the doctor with my grandma for her. I'm used to going for myself, not for someone else. Honestly seeing and being sick people makes me awkward in general because I don't want their germs, unless its a cute baby.
//How I tell myself to do things in a grown up way. Am I not a grown up already? Why do I have to add the world grown up or adult to make it sound more important? I guess I still feel like a kid.
//My lack of ability to pick up on social ques while texting. Sometimes I don't pick up on things and other times I take things the wrong way. Which is slightly embarrassing because I like to consider myself an adult. Maybe I'm starting to get too old for texting or maybe I just do better when I can hear an actual voice.
//When I eat ice cream. Apparently I look weird when I eat ice cream or drinking or maybe its just eating but that has never stopped me from indulging my chubby heart.
//How I say milk. According to my family I say it wrong so now I try not to say it (and I agree and get all embarrassed when I do say it in from of them). So if you do hear me say milk just think you got a gem. And apparently I say it as if I was from Chicago (according to New Girl).

Awesome:
//I'm making plans for my future again. I've chosen my new school and now I need to get in and get my butt to work. I can't decide if I want to live on campus, not on campus, or even with roommates period (I'll explain later, I love roommates I'm just getting old)
//Spending the day with my Grandma Dandy. I love her stories and I love hearing about Logan history. She's a really gem and she makes me laugh all the time. I don't think she realizes the funny things that come out of her mouth.
//Aggie Ice Cream. If it was legal and normal to have a relationship with food mine would be with Aggie Ice Cream. But it's not so I just get when I'm visiting Logan, gosh I could be in trouble come this fall when I have an easy access to it.
//Making awesome homemade chicken noodle soup and not really following a recipe. I just through it together. That's proof I'm my mother's daughter. I take after her when it comes to cooking.
//Taking a mini-vacation even though what happened wasn't what I hoped for. It was nice to get away and just gather my thoughts for a day-decide the things I do want for my life.
//Being okay with me, starting to embrace my vulnrability. It's kind of liberating in a sense. It's awesome to me that I'm making steps in my life to improve.

What was awkward and awesome about your week?

Stop the Self Hate. Start the Self Love.

I've noticed something with how I've been talking to myself lately. A sense of negativity that I thought I had abandoned when really I had justified it to the point it just seemed ordinary. The kind of talk that I didn't deserve this because I didn't think I was good enough or worthy enough or I wasn't pretty enough. I'm sure you know that kind of talk. I didn't think I was a lot of characteristics. I have found that sometimes my thoughts often turn negative when things don't go exactly as I had hoped; despite my testimony in unfulfilled expectations and knowing God has something greater in store for me. Today while getting ready to for work I watched (well more listened than watch) a TED talk (which are like the best things ever) given by Brene Brown. Let's just say she is now one of my favorite people to listen to.

She talks about vulnerability, and I'm certain thats where some of self hate comes in. Everybody, in some way or another, experiences vulnerability. Sometimes we numb it or use it as a towards negativity; but in all reality vulnerability can have a positive power. We can turn our fear, shame, and uncertainty into a acceptance and worthiness. We can't say we don't want to feel these things, we can't selectively numb. When we try to numb the negative emotions we also numb the positive. We place blame in the wrong place. And we try to prefect each other when we were never perfect to begin with. And we need to realize that our choices and actions have an impact on people around us. Vulnerability is necessary for connections with others, whether its with friends, someone we want to be our significant other, and sometimes even family. 

Our vulnerability does not have to be the ruin of us. We can be vulnerable but believe we are worthy or we can be vulnerable and not feel worthy. For most of my life I spent feeling the latter. It's probably the reason why I've never been successful with opposite sex in a more romantic relationship. Because I didn't want people to see me; actually see me for who I am. I have a vision of who I would like to be, rather than accepting me for who I am. Because bad things had happened to me, there were days where I thought I was bad person. I was trying to numb what I was feeling by hiding. 

So in my project to find me, I'm going to start embracing my vulnerability. Start accepting myself for who I am. Believe in myself. Believe I am worthy and enough and able to be loved. Stop my self hate--start accepting my imperfections; because I am perfectly imperfect. 

And while I work on believing in me, I want to trust others more. I want to just appreciate the people who tell me I'm beautiful, smart, important and kind; I don't want to question them anymore. I'm going to let others see me, deeply see me. Love with my whole heart even in uncertainty even if it means there will be rejection. Be grateful everyday that I am alive.  And everyday start telling myself that I am enough. 

Not everyone is going to like me or accept me and thats their problem not mine. I need to stop making it my problem. What's important is that I like me and accept me. My flaws make me human and hard wired for struggle but my strengths make me enough. It's time to be okay with me and start loving me. I am worthy because I know I am. It is time to take risks and feel vulnerable. And if I screw up at least I'll do so daring greatly. 

"Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it's a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands." -Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again because there is not effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasm, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."- Theodore Roosevelt

Awkward & Awesome

Sometimes I laugh at my life and how weird I can be. So I decided to let you all in on my hilarity. I think I'll make this a Tuesday thing. 

Awkward:

//Sometimes I'll make faces in the mirror and I won't stop until I feel satisfied. Sometimes I wonder if I'm normal.

//Singing out loud in the car; yes people stare it me from their speeding car while we're on the freeway.

//The fact that somehow I messed up left and right while at America's Best. Then proceeded to put the left contact in the right eye and the right contact in the left. Go figure. And then I proceeded to Walmart and realized my mistake. Go figure.

//Me on Tinder. I'm pretty sure everything that I say on that app is awkward. Tinder is just awkward.

//How many selflies I take on a daily basis. 

//My felt mustaches I like to wear. 

Awesome:

//Getting hugs from the kids at Washington Elementary. They make my day, I love hearing them say "Miss Chloe, Miss Chloe!"

//Telling children they are smart and see their eyes just light up.

//Getting texts telling me I'm beautiful, when I have a hard time seeing myself as beautiful.

// Reading a "Man's Search for Meaning". I've read it before but it's striking a cord this time around. We all need purpose. People can take everything from us but they can't take your attitude. 

//The fact that I can relate everything in my life to New Girl.

//Had the best weekend ever with one of my favorite people! Movies, hot tubbing, secret telling, and eating delicious food. Hoping for another fun weekend again soon. 

Project Find Me

Last year was hard for me. Lots of tears but its time to move one. Time to move on from the heart ache and let the scars heal. Time to find my love for life again. 

I've found it hard to pounce back even with the switch in medication for the anxiety. I realize a lot of it is my choice now. I should do better. Since it is still technically the new year I guess I'll share my 2014 goals. 

1} Make Mistakes!! They mean I'm trying, creating, & learning

2} Meditate more & Yoga it everyday

3}Bike, Run, & Swim More-Rock the LGN

4}Try Indian Food

5}Finish my design website-get to promoting myself more!!

6}Find a New University/College- get back to my education-possibly change my major 

7}Save Money like an adult

8}Get organized-get rid of the UNECESSARY

10}Stress less & be me!

11}Work hard & be kind.

12} Go on more Adventures

13} Get a fish or flower & keep it alive!

14}Draw more & experiment with other mediums

15} Travel to some Eastern Idaho Rec Areas
16} Go to a National Park I haven't been to before.
17} GROW THAT HAIR OUT!
18}Take more pictures!
19} Expand my portfolio
20} Dare to Dream
21} Never give up on others, and that includes myself
22}Work on patience
23} Eternally Progress
24} Try & then Strive
25} Have Fun! Make 2014 the best year yet!

Crazy and good things are awaiting for you and myself!

What are some things that you do to make you happy? What are some of your favorite things?

Vienna

Sometimes I wish to just snap my fingers and the things I don't like about myself would just be fixed. My spastic brain that will be fine one moment but then I worry will start and I just spiral down that path. Or I wish I was more boy smart, knew how to have a poker face, knew how to be a little more charismatic, irresistible, be more winsome to say. Sometimes I wish I was that girl that didn't worry so much about everything going on in my life.

I wish I wasn't a nervous wreck most days, I wish I didn't want everything to happen right when I wanted it to. I don't want to get a head of myself. But I do and tend to road block myself. I wish I could just relax and turn my brain off. Be easier on myself and see the times that I was right and not just focus on the times that I was wrong and royally screwed up.

I know that I am a flawed person stitched with good intention and I keep trying everyday. At least I haven't just decided to quit trying. But I want to turn my trying into striving. I guess its back to the good ol' drawing board, striving to rediscover myself and my love for life. It seemed to escape me last year.

So today I'm going to listen to this song all day. Sometimes you just need to feel sad because you keep screwing up and then just let it go the next day.  It seems to work for me most days. And I'm sure I'll listen any other song that is related. Maybe I'll eat some ice cream, or some bacon; bacon tastes good.

Stock Up

(One of my favorite blogs The Daybook has down this and she got the inspiration from another blog and I wanted to do it too. )

Since it's the new year and a month has passed since I've done this I thought it would be okay to do one again. 

Making :  Mix CDs for my little sister. Is that still a thing?

Cooking : Nothing at the moment but I did my funeral potatoes at christmas. Delicious.
Drinking : V8 Fusion, it's becoming an addiction.
Reading : Work for Money, Design for Love by David 
Wanting : More books. From every subject area, expect math. Math can die. 
Looking: at the gorgeous woodpeckers that come to my house to eat berries on the deck.  
Playing:  iTunes constantly. 
Wasting: to much time in my room on my bed. Now wonder I can't sleep at night.
Wishing: for a wonderful year. 
Enjoying:  all of my siblings being together.
Waiting: for my sister to give me a massage.
Liking: the direction my blog design is going.
Wondering: what it would be like to be a full time designer.
Loving: One Direction. What twenty-something girl doesn't. :)
Hoping: for a fun Friday night.
Marveling: that it's practically the end of the year and I'm a very different person. Where does the time go?
Needing: nothing, my life is so full right now.
Smelling: cologne I found amongst my things I think it was a present for that guy I was writing once upon a time. 
Wearing: Purple jeggings, black top, and a green sweater- typical fall weather 
Following:  Design blogs like crazy, I like seeing how designers solve their creative problems. 
Noticing: how it seems each passing year goes by faster
Knowing: everything will be alright in the end. 
Feeling: peace. There is no need for me to stress right now. 
Bookmarking: articles about the brain because mental health is very important.
Opening: old design files, making improvement. 
Giggling: at silly memes on pinterest. 

Changes

//Since I've been making changes to my life I thought it would be fitting for my blog to be updated and I have to say this is probably my favorite header to be designed. Granted I really loved my mustache header but that really fit me at the time. I still love mustaches but I've grown up since not only in my outlook on life/maturity but also in my design skills (praise the Heavens I'm always improving).  So enjoy as I make some changes and finally get my design portfolio blog up! I'm so excited for 2014 and of course my decision to stick with design. I know I'm such a crazy flip flopper but I needed the time to step away to realize how much I really do love Graphic Design and everything it offers.  I've been reading Graphic Design Thinking by Ellen Lupton (totally recommend it, I wish I had the book when I started (and later dropped) Conceptual Design at BYU-). I love how she states that Graphic Designers are life long learners. I've always enjoyed learning (not necessarily going to school), I've spent countless hours pouring over books that are texts books but are related to what I'm learning. Because doing your actual class text book reading is boring but when you do it just for the heck of it it's exciting and fun. So another big change is I'm reading more than I have been and it'll be everything from design, science, law, etc. etc. and fiction. Reading has always opened my eyes to the world has been on of my stress relievers so makes sense. So I'll be talking about my reads and give my recommendations because I've always loved a suggestion to books I haven't explored yet! So enjoy the changes I'll be making with the blog, I may add a few regular posts again so stay tuned. 

Dear 2014

 (Designed by me. Please if you copy it and use it I would appreciate if you would give me the credit I deserve.)

2014,

It's so good to finally see you and embrace you. I never thought I would make it this far. Seriously, and that story could be a blog post all of its own. But I'm off topic, 2014 I'm excited for you. There seems to be a glint of good things coming on the horizon. I know those things won't happen right away and there is always the possibility that it won't happen until October of 2014 or even December 2014 but I know the good things are coming.

I have high hopes for you 2014. Hopes of growing in sense of myself. To strive rather than survive.  To  be selfless instead of selfish. You are a fresh beginning for me. So much can happen in a year and I'm eager to watch you unravel yourself. To see you exposed in your roughness and beauty. Your uncertainty excites me.  I can't wait to gag on your bitterness; savor your sweetness.  If it weren't for opposites I don't think I would truly understand happiness.

2014 I know you have a lot to offer and I have expectations for you and myself. One in particular is to just try. Even if it terrifies me or it seems like the answer will be no, I'm going to try. Even if it hurts and I want to cry I am going to try. 2013 has taught me a few lessons but the biggest would have to be I can't be afraid of my life. I need to always be living! I need to be watching, learning, helping, and striving! One of my favorite moves says, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” 

I don't plan on missing you 2014.

All My Love, 

Chloe