Hard to Make Decisions

I was faced with a hard decision last week. Whether or not I should continue to pursue graphic design while I am at school. Was this new health problem a way of nudging me onto a better path.

I love graphic design. Going down the graphic design path brought me to my love of type and it brought me closer to my Heavenly Father because I was creating; creating just like him.  After taking my first graphic design class I knew it consumed time and that it created stress in my life.  But I loved it. I was solving problems creatively and doing something that I was so excited to learn about. Did I really want to give up doing Graphic Design as a career? I love it so much, why would I want to give up something I love.

I had been feeling that way for quite some time. It was unintentional and it was frustrating me. Then we get to spring 2013. I love my graphic design teacher and class. I’m learning a lot and it makes me excited for the future. Getting close to finishing up the first project and I have my first melt down. He wants me to retake all of my pictures. How was I going to do that  in two days and get enough sleep. With my Hoshimoto’s I need a good amount of rest.  And I stress about getting enough sleep all the time but this put me into overdrive. I had already been stressed out from my previous semester that had somehow carried over to this semester. I didn’t feel in control.  Everything started to change.

The pain started a Wednesday evening. I was trying to press forward in a class trying to get the homework. Before I got to my homework I went to a work activity because that’s basically my only time to really get to know the other people in the office. I’m in a separate department within the admissions office from most of the student employees. So my initial thought was,” Why the heck is this happening.” I’m doing pretty well (at least I thought) managing my time and getting homework done. I was taking some serious upper level classes, working, and trying to have some sort of a social life. Everything was just slipping through my fingers. I was stressing out because I’m so close to graduating (3 semesters left) and now I’m having doubts about my degree. Seems a little twisted if you ask me. And it really didn’t help that I was having a hard time focusing on my homework and trying to get around in my apartment.

So Thursday comes, I have a plan. I hope everything works out. I drop my graphic design class. I know it will be best for my health. My parents are supportive, friends understand, and have a bunch of people who have my back. I gotta say I’m very fortunate and blessed with the people I have in my life!

Graphic Design will still be apart of my life. I still want to design announcements. I still want to design period. So I won’t be able to do my Design Me Better project for a while. Its time for me to get my life realigned and design it a little better. Don’t worry; I would never kill graphic design out of my life.  It will be apart of me forever. I still will be critical of the announcements that come to my parents and myself.  I’ve come to realize graphic design is more fulfilling if I enjoy it and I’m not so stressed out about it.

I also want to help kids. Kids who have autism, bipolar disorder,  ADHD, depression, anything and everything. I was once a kid that felt misunderstood and didn’t understand why I felt different for a long time. Sometimes to this day I still feel misunderstood and judged because I think differently. When I was a kid I thought it was my fault that people treated me differently. I got older found out I had ADD and anxiety; my reasons for feeling different were found but I still felt different. 

And then I met with a counselor, when I was in the 9^th grade,  for a couple of months that really helped me understand I could make the choice to not be upset. People just don't understand and I can't expect them to change. I want to help kids understand that the way people treat them is only because those people don’t understand.  Understand that the child thinks differently and was made differently. Isn’t it kind of annoying that we live in a cultural that’s all about being different but if you have you can’t help thinking different turns you into a problem. I hate the stigmas about mental health. But I’m grateful I don’t live in a time where people would say I’m possessed because I have ADD or depression.  It is getting better but frankly we live in an age of being accepting we could do better.

So my life is changing in a lot of ways I did not expect. I’m probably not returning to Rexburg in the fall. I’m changing my blog if you couldn’t tell. I’m changing my attitude. I’m also making some lifestyle changes. Reducing stress because it could be related to the chronic pain I am experiencing.  So I’m going after new dreams and keeping old ones alive. Sometimes we do need to go down a certain path and find ourselves at point where we can keep going down that path or realize that there is a better (but not easier than the one you are on) path that will help more than we think. 

changes.

Since I'm making changes to my life, I thought my blog needed a change to. Stay tuned for some updates in my life and the blog.

A Brave Face

I see my plan for my life turning upside down. It almost feels like it is falling apart. I don't mean to talk about the hard things of life but this blog is for me to write down my thoughts show that life isn't perfect. I'm not trying to complain or say poor me. Its my coping I guess. a way of not letting it build up inside. Its me being honest and real.

I've been crying a lot. By a lot I mean I cry at least once a day. I cry because my body aches for no reason and the pain gets progressively worse everyday. I cry because I can't get comfortable I cry because I fill like nobody understands what I'm feeling and they just don't know how to help me. I cry because I'm scared I don't know what the future holds for me. I cry because its happening right now, a extremely busy time in my life. I cry because this could change my future as a mother and a wife. Most the time I just start crying when I'm on the phone with my mom. Its usually when I no longer have the energy to show a  brave face.

For the past week. I've been quite kept to myself and tried to make it appear like I'm okay. I'm screaming inside every morning I wake up and try to get out of bed. I want to cry every time I have a hard time opening doors, or, trying to open a container of leftovers, or trying to hold a cup, or trying to type on the computer (I've been writing this in breaks). Everything is stiff and doesn't want to move. I still remain quite while remaining to be strong. My mom comments that she thought I was doing okay when I went to see the doctor but she knows better. She knows I'm trying to be strong for myself. Trying to not to rely on others.

Until now I thought I had my life figured out. I thought of myself graduating from college soon. Trying to get a job as a graphic designer anywhere possible. I thought of myself becoming more independent and not relying on my parents at all.  I had dreams I would have found love by know. I had a lot of things planned out. For the longest time I prayed and considered going on a mission. Almost a year later I'm understanding why I wasn't supposed to. I feel lost and of course this is a time that my over thinking does not come in handy.

I don't know why this is happening at this point and time in my life. I don't know why it had to happen to me. But all I can do is have faith and believe everything will be okay.  Its moments like this that I'm grateful I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. So if you see me give me a gentle hug (just cause the movement hurts and people touching me hurts) because I need it.

Believe, Hope, & Faith

Life is hard. Its a universal truth and a truth that i have accepted to get through life a little happier. There are plenty of times I have wanted to given up. When a class seems pretty much impossible,  my roommates seem unbearable, and I'm feeling incapable.   And then I remember not only do I have people on this Earth who believe in me, they have hope for me, and faith in me. And I have Heavenly Parents, a wonderful Elder Brother, and family members on the other side rooting for me to succeed. They don't want me to fail. And we all know who wants us to fail. The very man himself can't experience joy, love, family life, having a companion for eternity, having a body, and everything that Heavenly Father has blessed us with. I compare Satan to Voldemort often. They are a like in so many ways. Will do anything for power, will make promises he won't keep to prospective followers, and doesn't have a real body! They lost their chance at what true happiness and Satan wants you to think this life is impossible and you lost your chance to. That is not true. We came to this Earth to succeed. Heavenly Father has given us the tools and the helpers we will need. We have scriptures that will help us, modern day prophets to lead us, and the atonement to carry us when we feel like we can't take another step.

To me we have trails, low points, and difficulties in this life to learn. "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard." We wouldn't understand what happiness is. We wouldn't be able to truly rejoice when we over come hard things. We have to have the bitter to truly understand what is sweet. These trails are to help us grow, learn, be better, and become more like our Heavenly Parents. We wouldn't learn if life was easy. We wouldn't have our agency and learn how to make our own decisions. God gives us trails because He knew we would be capable of them. Our attitude, our faith will determine if that trail we'll bring us closer to God or distance to God, He has given us the choice.

Yesterday I wanted to give up. I thought that something I had experienced two months ago was over. I thought that once I wasn't administered a local anesthetic those problems would stop happening. Well at this point all I'm going to say is I'll hopefully have answers next week when I go home and see the doctor. I just don't want to be in pain. Imagine just sitting there and not understanding why your arms hurt because you haven't done anything and it feels nothing like a work out sore or I've been lifting boxes sore.   I wanted to quit, quit trying (which I've wanted to do with a lot of things in my life-). I didn't want to believe in myself anymore. But something was holding me back. It was Elder Holland's "Lord, I Believe" General Conference Address from the most recent conference. I've continually thinking about the scripture in Mark chapter 9 verses 23 & 24. "Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway teh father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." Yesterday I cried, not because I hurt but that I let my faith be shaken. I have faith in a lot things, hope in some things, and believe in things. I have faith(and know) that I belong to a Church who has the fullness of Christ Gospel, I have faith in the atonement, the power of the priesthood, and etc. I have hope to return to live with my Heavenly Father someday with my family, I have hope that I will live the rest of my life in a righteous manner, and I hope to be a mother in this life or the life to come. I believe I could get married in this life, have children in this life but I don't know about those. Its hard, its the one thing I can picture it yet still have a hard time hoping it will actually happen (plan b is being the next Sheri Dew of the Church)

As soon as I was looking at things in this perspective, I knew everything was going to be okay. Heavenly Father was going to take care of me even though I'll be in pain pretty much the rest of my life(from what I've been reading, I'll be able to manage it but their will still be bad days). I'm not going to give up today or the next day. It will all work out in the end! Good things are coming!

I Design

It's official I think its time I actually get a blog dedicated to my graphic design and leave this to my personal life/journal.  All I can say is if I've done work for you or you've seen my work recommend me to anyone and everyone! Photographers please consider hiring me out to do your annoucements, gives you more time for your photography and you're getting some one with the knowledge of great graphic design! I want to get this announcement thing going! Hahaha! Well me being a graphic design student my roommate asked if I could help with her sister's announcement. I gladly accepted because it would mean one less badly designed announcement and I'm weird because I like designing announcements (which most graphic designers aren't keen into doing). So Kayla wanted a banner theme with rustic colors and I just through in the magic. What can I say, I love everything about graphic design. Its definitely becoming a passion of mine, which I think is a good sign! :) So enjoy and don't forget to book with me for your graphic design needs! I love working with clients and coming up with creative solutions! (contact me at chloevictoriadesign@gmail.com, we'll wait for a later date to post my phone number) Thank you for those who have believed in my talents and those who support my talents and my career direction choice! A lot of this wouldn't be possible without the people who believe in me! You are all wonderful and I love you! (Please do not download or copy this image! It is my own work and I put a lot of time and energy into this. Its not fair to me when you copy my work and claim it as your own. Art is all about sharing but not stealing!)

I Design

One thing that I like to do as a designer is do announcements. I guess I like it a lot because I like doing it because I'm tired of seeing not well designed announcements with weak font choices. I want to change that. People look for cheap prices for announcements but its cheap for a reason. Either its poorly designed or its a template. I'm not saying templates are bad because some of them are well designed. I like creating unique announcements for people. So here is my sisters announcement for graduation. Can't believe this gorgeous girl is grown up!! 

Charity: Learned From Living With Roommates

"Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life." -Thomas S. Monson

I know the title is long but it is a truth in my life. It is my 7th semester of living with roommates. My 6th living with new roommates. One thing that does not cease to amaze me is how catty girls are. How catty I can be, and how quick I start out to judge. I find it remarkable how easy it is for women can tear down other women, and after the fact that they have tried to empower the same women. 

I thought once I got to college high school drama would disappear, thinking the people who said it does happen were lying. Boy was a wrong. High School seems to haunt around in collage like the mono virus, just waiting to come out to make you really sick.

Last night I was frustrated, I was upset at things that were being said. I was mad that my roommates hadn't paid me back, when she said she would. And I realized I had the same "stupid" expectations about somethings and I had been wrong myself. Everything seemed petty. I was reminded by what my truly inspired Graphic Designer had said in class one day. "I understand that life is hard but are we going to let little moments that seem annoying get in the way of service. Your roommate drank your milk, it ruins your day. Why would your roommate do that. But didn't the Savior teach us to take care of one another and to share." When he was talking about a ruined day and our roommate drinking our milk, he was talking about sharing what we know with others, and helping each other become better artists. But as I was thinking about it I thought it should hold true to charity. I have been upset before by a roommate eating something of mine or about their cleanliness or how they have treated me.  How they've used my stuff or broken a dish or ruined a DVD. And I was thinking about how petty it really is. People matter more than things, dirty dishes, and judgements. After such incidents in my life have happened I  have been reminded by the spirit those people are  more important than the item that got ruined. My roommates weren't doing it on purpose and they didn't mean too. Yet when things like this happen we treat people as if they are doing it on purpose. They aren't and we shouldn't treat them as if they did so.

How stupid is it that dishes got in the way of having fun together as roommates my second semester. We all liked each other and then dishes became the problem. We let dishes get in the way of friendships, we let little things like that get in the way of helping each other and loving each other. We were judging each other about dishes, we were judging others about how they took care of the situation. We let the dishes get in the way of having fun with each other. We let judging get in the way. A wise Mother Teresa said," If you judge people, you have no time to love them." I know this to be true because I lived a semester in such a way. Its not really fun and it doesn't really lead to living happily.

And you are wondering how has this taught you Charity. What does Charity have to do with judging and dirty dishes. Charity is the opposite of judging. It is the willingness to give the benefit of the doubt. It is the understanding that none of us are perfect in this life and we shouldn't expect others to be perfect. Charity is the willingness to serve even when we don't understand why this person needs help. Charity is the pure love of Christ. Charity is doing your roommates dirty dishes even if its the 10th time you've done it that week. President Monson described charity as "Love in action." I'm pretty busy working 18 hours a week, juggling 12 credits that have a work load of 20, my health problems that like to make life difficult, and keeping my testimony in tact. Trying to be good and keeping up with my dishes is hard. I try to do my best at it. Its hard, I get tried easily because of my thyroid, I get frustrated with myself but I'm always appreciative of the roommate that does do the dishes when I don't have the time to when everything else in my life is crazy. For the roommate that doesn't complain having to do that. As much as I would like to have more roommates like that (I've only had one) but that doesn't mean I have loved all other the roommates less. I still love them for who they are and what they have taught me. With all the different roommates I have learned, we are all unique and different for a purpose. And that purpose is not to be judgmental or critical of each other. It is to help each other, serve each other to make us better. To become like the Savior and our Heavenly Father. Was it not in King Benjamin who taught  

"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." 

Charity is serving and loving with out question or judgement. I have become closer to my Heavenly Father and have been able to see what true daughters of God my roommates are when I set aside judgement and have had Charity towards them. We are becoming like God when we serve, we are serving the very Being that has blessed us with our life and all the things we have gained in this life.

Let us quit looking through dirty windows and stop being critical of others. None of us are perfect, and we don't know the whole story of others. We don't know their desires of their hearts. They are trying their hardest just like you are. Be glad to serve them instead of complaining that the dishes got piled high or that they forgot to pick up after themselves. Be happy you have the opportunity to help them. Be an example, not a complainer. Yes its important to have a clean home/apartment and clean dishes but is it worth ruining a friendship. President Thomas S. Monson, who is an exemplar of Charity, said this,

"Never let a problem to be solved, become more important than a person to be loved."

 I'm still a work in progress in Charity and I'm an imperfect person. Charity never faileth when it is in progress.  We are all works in progresses so lets give each other some slack and help instead of complaining about it.

Sunshine & Summertime

Hurray that the sun is shinning more and more each day in little Rexburg. I've missed the sun and the power of sunshine making me feel good. The soaking in  vitamin D feels good. And I hope my tan starts showing because I'm tired of being pasty! 

Love when the sun starts shinning in Rexburg because everything seems to come to life. Plants and people. People aren't buried away in their apartments because its so cold (I hated winter semester!). Best part of spring semester in Rexburg is there is more too! One of my favorite things (which I'm appalled I never went last year) is to go out to Egin Lake. Its really not a lake, more of a big puddle in the dunes. Yesterday was the first day I've been to Egin in forever! I loved it because it was peaceful and serene. And of course I had to make sure I was doing some sort of homework so I wasn't completely wasting my time. Since I wasn't going to take my computer out there, I figured it was approriate to take some reading material and my pet, for my graphic design class. This pet is just an object and I have to take pictures of it. Good pictures. I'm excited for this project because I hope it will help with my photography skills. Egin is beautiful. If your in the area definitely go out to visit! 

Enjoy the rays everybody! Having light in our lives is a wonderful gift, whether its sunlight or a spiritual light. Summer to do list coming soon! 

Design Me Better: Preface

 (via)

Since getting into more Graphic Design classes I felt like I've been plagued with a desire to scream constantly. Why, you ask? Because there seems to be a plethora of bad design in this world. Mom blogs, blogs in general, pinterest quotes, and even in the business world. Sometimes its makes me sick to think I was one of those people that thought teeny tiny picture collage announcements were such a genius idea (excuse me while I go through up). Some may say I'm being too critical, but my amazing Graphic Design teacher says its just honesty. And our society expects perfection. You are critics when it comes to everything and you expect perfection. You always pick the nice box, and quickly push aside the dented box, that may have a slight rip in it. Why because you pay for it, right. Might as well make an effort to have things well designed.

And I've gone through some old projects from previous classes and let me tell you, some of them need some serious work. I'm not perfect in my design. I'm still working at it. Sometimes I need to go back to those projects and give them some more attention or as my teacher calls it TLC, tender love & care. I'm not saying I'm an expert and I'm not saying my designs are perfect but I know how to look at something and go oh I see the problems, I can think of ways of making it better. I can say I'm  good at that because I've spent time with teachers and students going over my own work and other students works. I've read several books that have helped my understanding.

So I'm starting a new project, Design Me Better and I would have a lovely new graphic for this project but that won't happen until Friday when my software finally comes (FYI I'm selling my CS5.5 Design Premium for a reasonable price. If interested contact me at chloevictoriadesign@gmail.com). But here is the project along with my regular school work and I may start posting these on a different design blog. The project is to share what I have learned with all of you by creating. I will take examples that I find anywhere and make it look better visually. A lot will come from pinterest and you can even submit stuff to be redesigned. I plan on doing one a week.So send your ideas to chloevictoriadesign@gmail.com. You can send me projects you have worked on in the past and I'll help you by showing you how I would make it better. One thing that I have learned as a student of Graphic Design talking with other designers will help your work. Honesty in design is important. Design is solving problems, not creating problems. So join me on this project and we'll learn together. Excited to hear from you and what you think. So be apart of my Design Me Better project! There is design out their that needs more love! By doing this I'll improve my portfolio immensely so help a college girl out!

alone part 2

I use to know my place in Rexburg. I use to have plenty of friends to hang out with. I use to do things every Friday night. I had somewhere to go when things got rough. I use to be able to tell if people were truly my genuine friend and weren't faking it. I use to be able just call up a random friend in Rexburg and be able to pour out my heart ache. I use to be able to make friends easy in Rexburg. I use to be happy about a lot of things in Rexburg but nothing feels right anymore. 

I feel like my appreciation of being alone has jumped immensely in the last 4 weeks. I'm constantly reminding myself patience at this point in my life. I've received the answers to my prayers and I just need to patiently wait for the time to come. But I know I will find happiness the best way I can. It will require some help from the atonement of Jesus Christ. But good things are coming and things are changing fast. All things are possible for those who believe and I believe things will get better. Patience, the thing I need the most and the thing I hate working on.