Unfulfilled Expectations

I wrote a post with the same title but I ended up using that post to write a talk. I know a lot of what I say in here didn't come from me it came from the spirit. I'm reposting this and sharing this because I know there is someone out there that needs to hear this. Life is hard but it is a precious and wonderful thing. We came to this Earth for a purpose and it is to help us become the Glorious beings we are meant to be. 

I have thought long and hard about the prayers that go unanswered or the we answers recieve that we really don’t want to hear. Some of these lead to unfulfilled expectations that we have for our lives. Sometimes these unfulfilled expectations or I guess you could say unanswered prayers or the answers we don’t want are some of the greatest blessings of our lives.

 We all have unfulfilled expectations but what do they do for us? To start off, what is an expectation? According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary an expectation is a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen or a feeling or belief about how successful, good someone or something will be. And the definition for unfulfilled is not carried out or brought to completion. So an unfulfilled expectation is something that we hope or we desire to happen that doesn’t happen.  I can list a number stories in the scriptures where expectations were high but did not happen the way people wanted them to.  I’m sure Nephi (Nephi 5 in the Book of Mormon) was hoping he could get the plates in one visit instead of multiple, Abraham and Sarah probably expected to have a lot more children and probably expected to have a child at a much younger age and of course I’m sure our pioneer ancestors (Mormon pioneer history) had expected things to be all as well much sooner than it was.

Because of our expectations, hopes, dreams, and goals we make plans so those things can become reality. There are a variety of different plans we can make in this life. Plans parents make for their children, plans for college, plans for a career, plans for marriage, plans for a family, or even a plan for a wonderful family dinner. But like the old saying goes things don’t always go according to plan. I remember a Stake president getting up in my ward sacrament meeting and making the following remark “Man makes plans; then God smiles”. At first I was confused by the thought. But now I know Heavenly Father knows us far better than we do ourselves. He knows what we need. And He knows what experiences we need most to become who He knows we can become.

There are a lot of things I have expected to happen in my life. First I expected to finish my degree at BYU-Idaho this next year and second I’ve expected my health to be relatively good since I’m at the prime of my life. If you asked me at the beginning of this year where I hoped to be by the end of the year I would have told you still living in Rexburg finishing up my third to last semester. Living happily and healthy. I wasn’t thinking about living in Pocatello until the last few weeks of spring semester at BYU-Idaho.  And of course I never thought I would move here to the Cache Valley area as soon as I did.

My latest semester at BYU-I I encountered some physical and mental health challenges. I experienced chronic pain everyday that doctors couldn’t seem to explain why. I couldn’t seem to control my anxiety. Getting up in the morning was hard, my body hurt so much that it would have just been easier to stay in bed all day.  I would cry when I looked in the mirror because I wasn’t myself anymore. This new pain was not what I wanted. All I could manage say to myself everyday was everything was going to be alright even though I was starting to question if I really was going to be okay. It was really challenging when I had to tell my mom, who called crying because she couldn’t take the pain away or be with me, that everything would be okay on a day that I didn’t really believe it. I was struggling in a class and as well as with my roommates. I started going home as often as I could to escape my life in Rexburg.  I prayed for strengthen everyday and sometimes I would pray asking why. Why me? What did I do to deserve this challenge that was causing problems in other aspects of my life. I thought I was good a person, doing the things I needed to, and I knew he could take away my pain but he didn’t.  Why was I the one that had to have this happening in my life? I wanted more than anything to be myself again and I didn’t want to have to deal with these struggles. But strangely enough, like all trails, I needed to learn something and readjust my sails, even if it took me a good long while to realize it.

Like us, God has expectations too but they are a lot higher and grander than what you or I have set for each of ourselves. He sees the grand scheme of things; He knows how all of this will finish. He knows we are capable of so much more than we can comprehend. He knows of future callings and opportunities we need to be prepared for. He knows in order to help us He can’t always give us what we want. Which leads to the next part of my story.

I remember a day in particular when I was struggling more than usual and I pulled up Facebook to see one of my old roommates had posted a Mormon Message on her  facebook wall. It was the one by Elder D. Todd Christofferson entitled, The Will of God. And I would like to share the story he tells in this Mormon Message.

“President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”

God knew what Hugh B. Brown was to become and what was needed for that to happen, and He redirected his course to prepare him for the holy apostleship.”

So I sit there crying at the video, because I know God won’t give me exactly what I want and I have a choice to make of two possibilities. I could just throw my fists in the air and curse God because he hasn’t answered my prayers exactly the way I wanted them? Or do I humbly pray and ask for forgiveness for my selfishness and thank God that he loves me enough to allow me to go through something hard to become better than I was.  I’m not going to lie it took quite some time come around to the latter.  I continued to struggle for a while longer but slowly things got better.  I’m still unsure of what Heavenly Father wants me to be and do but I’m following his guidance in hope and faith. But I’m grateful for where he has me now. I can gladly and proudly say I survived, I’m healthier than I’ve ever been and I’m certainly happier.

There will always be expectations that we want to be met but when they become our unfulfilled expectations it’s not the end of the world. You may fail a class that you thought you were going to be great at, things may not work out with that guy or girl you think is perfect for you, or you don’t get the job you were really hoping for, you could be facing challenges of infertility, infidelity, financial needs or multiple of other things you can up with at the top of your head. It doesn’t mean God doesn’t love you.  It is because God loves you that he doesn’t always give you things you desire right away or even ever.  God is trimming you and helping you become the currant bush he needs you to be. There is something far more spectacular than anything you can actually imagine. Just because something bad happens does not mean you are a bad person or God doesn’t love you. God loves you so much to allow bad things to happen to you to help you grow.

We can’t stop having faith in our Heavenly Father. We can’t stop praying. We can’t stop believing. We can’t stop dreaming. Doctrine & Covenants 90:24 states “pray always, and be believing.” If we don’t do those things, God won’t be able help us the way we need to be help. Elder Holland once said,” God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as he always has. But he can’t if you don’t pray, and he can’t if you don’t dream. In short, he can’t if you don’t believe.” Heavenly Father will answer our prayers in one way or another, like I have said before not always in the way we want but he does answer them. He knows better than we what we really need and want in the long run.

Everything is going to be okay if we follow our faith and do what we need to do.  Remember the words from Ether 12:4 “Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.” Make the choice to be happy and okay with your situation, no matter how hard it is. Its worth it. I've had some dark moments and thought I could never come out of them but by the grace of the Savior I was able to make the choice to be okay with my situation. Life seemed to get better once I made that decision. Things got better when my attitude got better. Now is definitely not the time to quit.  Again I turn to Elder Holland, his words have been a source of strength to me when everything seems to be going. I quote,” Don’t give up. Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead-a lot of it. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.” God doesn’t quit on us and we shouldn’t quit on ourselves either.

God has a plan for each of us. And he knows how to provide and speak to us perfectly. Sometimes that comes from our unfulfilled expectations. It may not be what we have in our own mind but it’s the best for us. God loves us so much He wants to help us become the paramount beings we can be. Be happy you’re alive and a child of God because that’s a pretty remarkable thing when you think about it! Let us remember the words from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin,”We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won’t, for he sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming.”

Happiness won’t come right away but it will come as we strive to go where our Father in Heaven wants us to, be what He wants us to be, and seek after the Gospel of His only Begotten Son. We have the atonement to make things right again. The blessings will always come because we all matter. 

Stock Up: May

Making :  Messes-packing kind of does that

Cooking : Noodles for my mom
Drinking : Water, it's kind of a thing rift now.
Reading : I Am Malala. It's so riveting. It's peaked my interests to get more of an understand of what Islam is all about. The culture is fascinating and I'm in awe of Malala's strength. I have know idea what it would be like to live in fear everyday.
Wanting : the packing and unpacking to do it's self. 
Looking: at my recently finished brochure design. My first design done for someone outside of the state of Idaho. 
Playing: a cover of Ordinary World by Joy Williams, the words are just getting to me lately. 
Wasting: time designing instead of packing
Wishing: for everything to keep falling into place as I make the move to Logan. 
Enjoying: the new glasses I bought since my stigmatism has gotten worse. 
Waiting:  for Tuesday to come
Liking: the idea that I'll be designing more often soon. 
Wondering: what it'll be like being in Logan full-time 
Loving: who I am. And who I want to be
Hoping: The kids I have worked with know I love them and I'll never forget them! 
Marveling: That I'll be moving on Tuesday, start a new job and hopefully be going back to school in the fall. 
Needing: a ton of things to be done before the move. 
Smelling: shrimp, because I had to get that ready too. 
Wearing: Short shorts cause you know, tis the season. 

Following:  designers, they are awesome and it could be because I'm biased

Noticing: How stress really affects my body. It's good to notice these things. 
Knowing: I'm beautiful and worthy to be loved. 
Feeling: a since of excitement, peace, and nervousness all at the same time. 
Bookmarking: Recipes because I have a chubby heart. 
Opening: a new chapter in my life
Giggling: at how silly my dog is

Things I know

God allows bad things to happen. He doesn't make them happen. He knows you better than yourself and He's going to make sure you are growing in the correct and best possible way.

Just because bad things have happened in my life does not make me a bad person. I've always tended to think because bad things happen to me, I must be doing something wrong. In some respects yes but in others no. I made mistakes and some stupid choices but those don't define me anymore. Who I strive to be is who I should be defined by.

Change is hard, not only because its change but it's a choice we have to make. Sometimes its hard because we wish we did it sooner or we are resistant to change. Right now I'm going through change I wish I had done years ago.

Sometimes you think you shouldn't going a certain direction, like graphic design for me. But then you miss it and people you are good enough to do things. I was totally going to scrap the whole graphic design idea and pursue some other major and other desired career. But I find myself designing still and people want to hire me already. It is a gratifying experience when people tell you are great at what you are doing.

People don't think about you as much as you think they. Stop worrying about what others think of you. There will always be somebody who doesn't like you (just like there is always going to be somebody you don't like) and thats just a part of life.

We tend to do better than we think we do when bad situations happen.  Granted thats not always the case but most the time yes.

Comparison will never bring you happiness. I know from personal experience. Find ways to love people instead. We should want everyone to succeed just as much as we do.

Sometimes it just takes one person to inspire you to be better. Those people are the greatest blessings of our life. Everyday I'm thankful for the wonderful people that make me better.

As much as home is a physical place I think home can be felt just being around certain people. I feel at home when I'm with immediate and extended family. But also feel at home when I'm with friends. Especially my best friends. 

Life is just better when you live for right now. Life is a beautiful gift and some of us are forgetting about it.

Tuned In: Sink My Feet

I'm always looking for music gems and I randomly came across Jillian Edwards when I was looking at Ben Rector, who's a gem as well. I've just had some good luck with Singer/Songwriters lately. They seem to really understand the concept of great lyrics (besides Taylor Swift who does them almost to well) but I digress. 

I've found a few songs from Jillian that just really get me. What I want, how I feel.  I've been thinking a lot how just having people to support you and stand by you helps a lot with anxiety or really any kind of struggle in life. Having someone to stand by you I think isn't something we just want but something we also need. It's in our nature to be wanted and accepted. 

I don't want worry and I want to leave my fear behind and sometimes that just takes someone who is willing to help you and stand by you; have that security. Sometimes that is choosing to just believe people and to trust what your gut is telling you and the answers you have received. Be glad God puts people into our lives that we need. 

Just keep me by you. Good things are coming peeps! 

thoughts from my journal

As much as my blog is a journal for me, it doesn't show all my feelings. And boy do I have a lot of them. I have shared some of my hardships and I've also shared the good and happy things in my life. I've lately been opting out with the blogosphere lately unless I feel really inspired or feel prompted to share something because someone needs to here it.

I've been writing in my actual journal (paper & pen) a lot lately. I guess I feel its important to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly at this point in my life. I feel like its important to remember these things. I wish I had been this consistent since I started college so I can see the progress I have made. Honestly we don't realize how far we are up the mountain until we look down to see we have gone up and down but we are still making progress.

Today I was particularly impressed with what I wrote but I'm sure it wasn't me that wrote it. I'm sure it was the Spirit who guided me so I can look back and read it, have an added comfort and peace in the future.

Normally I wouldn't share what I'm about to share but like I said I do it because I know some one else needs to know that there is hope even when everything is going wrong. When you have the cards stacked against you, God still loves you and provides positives in your life.

"I am not going to retreat from a good thing. I am strong, independent, beautiful, loving, kind, enough, and worthy to be loved. I need to start acting like it, even if I have a hard time believing it. I need to stop hiding behind my anxiety, it has become my default. I am infinitely more than my anxiety. I will still have bad days, but there will be good in those days. I need to accept the things going on in my life and face them head on and not be discouraged. I need to ask, 'Why not me?' instead of 'Why me' I need to be strong and confident. Go after what I want. Stand up for myself, let people know of my expectations and then make adjustments. Ask for the things that I want and know I deserve. I need to stop second guessing myself because others don't agree with what I am doing."

We all have insecurities and self anxiety and guess what that is fine. It just means you're human and normal, you have a soul, and you genuinely care. You have desires to be accepted and to impress others. But something I've come to realize (after a long struggle, help from others, doing a lot of reading and research, and finding inspiration) in the grand scheme of things we are all worthy of love and love will find us. We have to believe things will get better and just love people and stop deciding whether or not they are worthy of our love. I think even of ourselves, we are worthy of our own self love. Never question that love (sadly its something I do a lot). I realize in a lot of ways I have set myself back when it comes to relationships and friendships, I accept the fact that I'm the problem because of my anxiety and lack of patience. I question if I am worthy and just psych myself out. We accept the love we think we deserve. And sometimes we don't actually accept what we deserve because we don't think we are enough and then we self sabotage ourselves. We assume, we get jealous, we act irrationally, and then we hurt the ones we love.

I won't be cured in one day just like any type of change is cured in one day; it takes time. And thats where the Godly Attribute, patience comes into play. And boy am I extremely terrible at it, it never was my strong suit but at least I'm getting a hang of it, slowly but surely. And thankfully it is because of people who believe in me, help me in unexpected ways that have helped me. And I hope they continue to give me chances and give me opportunities to show that I can do amazing things.

All we can do is expect the best of ourselves and just love others. Leave them better off than when we find them, and just keep working to be better. We may accept the love we think we deserve but we also accept the limitations we put in front of ourselves. One of my favorite actresses/heroes, the great and wonderful Audrey Hepburn, said "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'" We are all capable of anything.

Things will get better because we believe they will. Just because something as always been a certain way does not mean it always has to be. Hope, Love, Live.

And like one of my best friends told me," Don't be sorry. Just be happy."

Tuned In: The Luckiest

I'm back to my old ways and sharing music that I love. I recently watched About Time, cried my eyes out and feel in love with the Ben Folds song at the end. I know classic me! I love how music is able to use the simplest phrases that are profound. I can say is lately I have felt like the luckiest.

Honestly love is a beautiful thing, even if it makes you stupid. Love is luck, really. Lucky you find them when you do, lucky for whoever it is. Lucky in love. 

I Am.

In my search of refinding myself and going through self discovery I think its important everyday 

that I remind myself who I am. I think any one men and women could benefit from this. I am a list make so you'll find such lists in my journal, notebooks, and scraps of paper. 

One essential idea is knowing that I am a beloved Daughter of God of infinite worth. For me knowing that I am someone's is enough to light a spark in me. Everyday I see God's love, it could be an answer to a prayer or just the beauty of the earth. The understanding of "I am a Child of God" has taken time and work and a lot of prayers. 

It's important to understand who we are. It gives us a purpose and meaning to our lives. It reminds us of the greatness with in us. It reminds us we have a power to change the world. We can build others up and stop tearing them down. 

So here is the list of things that I know I am. 

I Am:

A sister who is an example to her sisters and brother. I love them and I know they love me.  I need to help and inspire them. 

A great friend who will do anything for those I love. I would do anything for all of my friends that I know love me. I will go out of my way to make sure a friend is okay. Whether its with silence, just listening, a hug, or a quick I'm thinking about you. 

A member of my Relief Society. I am apart of the largest women organization in the world. I feel needed and valued.  I am not an oppressed LDS woman, I am empowered everyday for the responsibility and the service I need to accomplish in this organization. 

A teacher to the children I help at the school. I give them the love they deserve and I help them know that they are safe at school. 

A future wife and a mother. I will love my future husband and children with all my heart and give them  110%. I deserve to be treated with love and respect. I deserve some who is crazy about me, who will protect me and my children. Who will go to the end of the world for me. Who won't make excuses; who will never leave me to question and will prove to me everyday that he deserves me. My children will love me and I will teach them that God loves them and cherishes them. I will share my testimony with them. That their mom and dad love them. That they are important and that their best is enough. 

A daughter of Heavenly and Earthly Parents who love me dearly and unconditionally. They want me to obtain the greatest they know I have inside me. I am beloved and important to all of them. Who deserves and accepts their love.  I am essential to their plan, I am enough. They believe in me and I trust in them. 

Who are you?

God Loves Us.

For anyone that knows me well, they know I have a great love for Elder Jeffery R. Holland and his comforting words. I know I have written about his wonderful video Wrong Roads but now I'm writing from a different perspective, not about boys but about life in general. I'm going to focus more towards the end of his video where he states this powerful message:

"I have absolute certain knowledge, perfect knowledge that God loves us, He is good, He is our Father. He expects us to pray and trust and be believing and not give up and not panic and not retreat and not jump ship when something doesn't seem to be going right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing, we keep trusting, following that same path and we will live to fall in His arms and feel His embrace and hear Him say, 'I told you it would be okay. I told you it would be alright."

Sometimes I wonder why I feel like things aren't okay when I know God loves me. That should be reason enough to keep the faith. I have a Heavenly Father and Mother who love me more than I probably could probably comprehend, yet there are days when I ask why me. I've been trying to ask "Why not me?" Obviously that is easier said than done.

Sometimes I have hard time wanting to stay in and not jump ship when things don't seem to be going right. I find its easier to run, hide from life, and just stop trying. Thats not really what God sent me down here to do.

He sent me down here to learn things about myself, understand that he knows what I am capable of. become like him, and truly learn the power of faith.

There are a couple people who I look up, who have an understanding God's love greater than I. One is Stephanie Nielson and the other is my cousin Ashlee Birk. Stephanie was badly burned and almost lost her life. I'm sure there were days where she wanted to give up and wanted to just die rather than go through her chronic pain(physically and emotionally). But she knew God still loved her despite this bad thing happening, He had a purpose for her. She was to be a wife, a mother, and a great messenger of the gospel. I'm sure she still has hard days where things don't seem to be alright but she looks to her blessings and the goodness she does have in her life. Ashlee has experienced tragedies people don't even want to think about. Sometimes bad things happen and this is probably the worst. I don't know to go into details, you can check her blog out and read her comforting words, but I will tell you this. Ashlee hasn't given up, she has kept her faith and I see her trust in God in every single post she writes. She knows God loves her and her family. She know things will be alright in the end.

It's strong women like Stephanie and Ashlee that make me feel, I wouldn't say stupid, but just bad that I think my life is hard. It is hard for me but their challenges are greater and they are handling them with grace, compassion, and faith. They know God loves them.

I don't think God makes bad things happen but I think He allows them so we can turn to him in love, faith, and trust. He allows them to happen to show us how strong we really are. That things are worth fighting for and giving up isn't the only option (and really we shouldn't consider it as an option).

Like Elder Holland, I know God loves and He is good. He wants the best for us. He wants us to trust him. The answers to our prayers and the healing to our pain does not come from standing by passively. It comes when we walk by faith and we keep working. They won't be this grand happenings, but small tender mercies. God will never answer in the ways we want but in the perfect ways he know. I know he will answer our prayers and help us find healing. The Atonement of Jesus Christ will in enable us and heal us when times are tough. The Atonement is there to make things right.

I know God loves me and He loves you. Just pray to feel is love and to understand that you are great in the eyes of Him that created you. We are his children and everything will be alright in the end because He loves us. I know there will be day when our loving Heavenly Father will hold us and he will tell us that he will "I told you it would be okay. I believed in you."

The Bay

Sometimes you have to seize opportunities even when they don't seem the most logical with your current life situation. (You should read this post and browse the picture while listening to "Save Me San Francisco" by Train. Its just a good idea.)

Planning on moving soon and missing work for a weekend trip did not make sense in the slightest bit but it happened. Two weeks ago, Haley (my awesome friend and old roommate) told me I should go to the Bay with her for a dear friend's wedding. I was hesitant at first and I was still skeptical after I finally debated for a week and said yes. I have never been on a road trip this big. Most of my road trips have a destination in Utah. Super exotic I know.

A road trip at this scale was an adventure to say the least. I got to experience Northern Nevada and Northern California. My favorite part was the latter. I was not that impressed with the drive through Nevada; it was a whole lot of nothing. Louie (my camry), did great with gas mileage. I was super impressed because gas prices got higher the closer we got to California. Needless to say Haley and I got bored (it was an 11 hour drive) and spoke in accents a lot of the time. It was so great to catch up and talk about all the drama and happy things going on in our life. I definitely miss living with her. As soon as we got across the California border the trees and natures beauty reigned king. The going through the Sierra-Nevada's is a gorgeous drive. Plus it was snowing, and you don't think California and Snow mix but in all reality they do. I feel like California gets the best of everything, the gorgeous desert, the mountains, the forests, and of course the ocean. I love coastal areas. It's probably because I love water so much.

An 11 hour drive was definitely worth it. I did feel somewhat claustrophobic when we were driving near Sacramento; he humidity was a new feeling.  I almost needed a De-humidifier because I was not use to that much water in the air. I've been living in the dry air for 22 years. My hair definitely loved the humidity, and I loved that my hair loved it. I got to help Ashley get her back yard ready for the wedding, see Concord and Walnut Creek and the surrounding areas. It was just breath taking to see somethings that I have only seen in pictures. Going to the Oakland temple and looking across the Bay was gorgeous. I could see the city and the Golden Gate Bridge. I could even see Alcatraz. Haley's dad spoiled us (Haley, Kaylee, and I) by taking us to dinner at the San Francisco Creamery. That place was delicious. I recommend getting the California Chicken Burger and the Red & White Sundae! I was so stuffed from eating all the food plus being at sea level was a new feeling for me. I also got to try sushi for the first time, I think I need to eat it more to get used to the texture. And of course I got San Francisco Clam Chowder in a sour dough bread bowl that was yummy (best I've ever had in a long time). I wish I got some In-And-Out too but it was just go, go, go! I wanted to eat everything! But that would be a bad idea. 

I also got the best tour guides that took me to San Francisco, Alba and Tom. Alba is an old roommate and one of my favorite people. Tom was my FHE dad and in my FHE group during my second Semester at BYUI.

I got to see some amazing things, eat some super delicious food while I was at the Pier and the Wharf. Honestly you can get better restaurants and more variety in higher populated area period. Needless to say I need to move there so I can try new things for a couple of years with out getting bored. So here is a big photo dump of my amazing trip! I'll work on getting them in chronological order (definitely not to night or you could just go through my album on Facebook) I'll definitely be making adjustments to this post eventually. After I'm finally caught up on my sleep!

 

Stock Up

Making :  Memories. I loved being with my old roommates for the weekend.

Cooking : nothing. I haven't been feeling that domestic lately.
Drinking : California Tap water. It's better than Idaho. 
Reading : To Kill a Mockingbird 
Wanting : to go back to the Bay
Looking: through all my pictures from my trip.
Playing: Monopoly with the family, with a mormon twist. You have to pay tithing.
Wasting: Money on gas to go to the Bay. 
Wishing: for a job in Logan to come my way. 
Enjoying: the picture I bought of the Golden Gate Bridge. 
Waiting:  to see my best friend in 2 weeks. 
Liking: my shirts I bought at H&M
Wondering: what it would be like to be graduated and working a full-time job. 
Loving: who I am. And who I want to be
Hoping: For a good rest of the month.
Marveling: At the fact that I got to see Alba this past weekend. 
Needing: nothing. My heart is full. 
Smelling: the ocean. I love being at the ocean
Wearing: PJs, love feeling comfy. 

Following:  The whole Ukraine debacle. Foreign affairs intrigue me. 

Noticing: How not the great driving through Northern Nevada for 6 hours isn't that great. 
Knowing: I'm beautiful and worthy to be loved. 
Feeling: awesome because I am awesome.
Bookmarking: workouts, got to get my body ready for swim suit ready. 
Opening: old design files, fixing what needs to be fixed. 
Giggling: Kaylee ,around Elko, was tired of the being the car and started exercising in the back seat and it was hilarious. 

Tinder and a little lack there off.

I got this lovely (yet disgusting) little app October of 2013 after some encouragement from my cousin Ray. Honestly after trying tinder for about 3 months and then deleting and getting it back and then deleting it and then getting it back again and deleting it once more I've learned a few things around the tinder block. Some of this may be out of bitterness but for the most part its strictly just information to help those people considering getting Tinder.

1-It is helpful to look through bio's or even through all the pictures. Honestly it will give you better answer to yourself if you really want to take a risk on the guy that has a profile picture of his torso that isn't that shabby looking but who knows what he really is asking for. I try to avoid people that will question my standards.

2-People are on there to hook up. Not just to get to know you. I've had more than just one guy just straight up tell me I'm hot and that was reason enough for him to make out with me. Not to mention how overly sexual our society I had guys wanting to do some pretty inappropriate stuff the first time we meet. I politly replied with I'm not that kind of girl My advice make your standards clear and they'll leave you alone and feel like an idiot.  

3-It's slightly addicting. All of the attention and guys talking to you because they think you're pretty. And they flat out tell you are pretty. I would find myself in a slightly creepy version of the twilight zone in tinder land. I was swiping right on everyone and I felt like I couldn't stop. Plus meeting new people can give you a rush.

4-It's a luck and numbers game. Granted you can find a few good fish but its really just a matter of luck and how many you have. You can be more selective in your matches if you live in a higher populated area or visit one or just meet people the normal way and avoid tinder all together.

5-Is Tinder really trying to get me to make friends with people I don't know? Is it to get us connected with people we don't know? The opposite of Facebook? If so they should definitley change the name and the premise of the current situation because it feels like online dating or an online bar where people can find other people for one night stands.

6-In some ways your judging people on their face value or what they want you to think. Yeah you may get to see their interests and maybe some mutual friends but really its a looks game and I don't really want to play into that anymore. Sure I want to meet attractive guys but everybody is putting up a front that they want you to see.

7-In one positive it got me out of my head and it got me talking to guys without thinking to much. I'm an over thinker so that was a plus for me. And guys talking to me first was also a positive in my book because I always felt like I was making the first move.

8-You are not going to be compatible with everyone you match with. Look at #4. It's luck finding someone who is compatible with you let alone who is willing to meet you and really put forth the effort to get to know you and understand you, you've got a gem. Honestly finding someone who appreciates you for who you are is luck.

9-Don't give your snap chat username or even your phone number until you are really sure of the risk. You reap what you sew and you don't want some weirdo sending you some crazy snaps that you won't appreciate. Trust me I know. If your not that interested, don't do it.

10-Trust your gut and your instincts. You know yourself better than you think. Granted you won't know unless you try it. Sometimes risks are worth taking.


Honestly you can take me words and interrupt to best suit you. In a respect I'm grateful I got tinder because I learned somethings about myself and I met a wonderful person who I now consider my best friend. To be honest he made tinder worth it because all I really needed was a best friend. Someone who was patient with me, reminded me of the good that is me. And that frankly I just need to relax and get out of my head. Sometimes I can't explain the craziness inside me but he has at least shown me I'm just human. And I'm grateful everyday to have a friend like him everyday.

And if it takes getting on a creepy app to get that, I guess its worth it.