A New Start

Please be warned that some things in this post might shock you. It was hard enough to share and I felt impressed to share because I don't want teenage girls or young adult women making the same stupid mistake as me.



As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression on pretty much a daily occasion one thing that I struggle with if people are being genuinely honest or are they just being nice. I have since decided that a lot of it is just me having issues and they are really being genuinely honest. Lets have a little break down about whats going through my head. And something that helped me resolve this thinking.

Since the move was going to happen I've had a lot of people tell I was going to meet the guy I was going to marry. It started with my supervisor at the Scale House, our I think it was just you'll be married by next year. Then it was my boss when he talked about how I probably wasn't coming back Harvest of 2014, I figured he was just saying that because I was moving with my family. Then I was frequently asked by Truck Drivers who my boyfriend was. They can be sweet sometimes. Then I was talking to a friend that I used to work with who proceeded to tell me that I had plenty of girl friend material and that the boys in Rexburg didn't have enough boyfriend material--I figured he was just being nice. He said that life would throw a man at me because I didn't deserve two years of hell in a row. Sweet. Then I have talked to a few people that have told me I was going to find a guy here in Pocatello. Either these people are delusional are being utterly sweet to me or they are on to something I don't want to believe.

I want to believe these people with all my heart but that well has run dry. I'm coming to terms with the idea of being by myself. I've been doing it for so long its my comfortable void. When I do open up I either I get hurt or I start to loose interest in the guy. Or I look at a guy and think oh he looks nice and interesting and I shut down the idea because I don't think I'm good enough or I just think "you have no chance because you have no idea what your doing when it comes to guys."

I'm a wallflower, a plain jane, and yet I have done nothing for myself when it comes to guys. So I've come to this conclusion  I think they are being honest to some degree. They see my potential and they want me to achieve that. And there's me who just brushes off what they say, thinking they are just being nice and not believing in myself. And now I'm asking myself why is that? Well I guess more of my mom asking me that.

Do I really not think that I'm worth it. Well after writing this I guess I don't. Do I want to change it? Yes but not really, thats to hard and I don't want to come off as conceded and I would rather be comfortable. But no, I do want to change. And I do have a reason to believe I deserve the best.

Let's just say that while I was home I gave in to a piece of crap guy and "hooked up" (made out with) with him because I thought I couldn't do any better and I was just destined to get not so great guys because those are the only ones after me. I got hurt emotionally. I learned I couldn't just kiss a guy for no reason at all like a close friend I know. I felt jaded and tarnished after it happened not to mention he was terrible kisser. Shouldn't you kiss someone who brings out the best in you. Shouldn't a kiss really mean hey I love you and thank you for staying and making me a better person. Not hey I really don't care about you and I just really had this urge and wanted to get it out. Yeah I think your Hot but thats about it, there is nothing more I want from you or think of you in any other way. I really don't want to hear about our problems even though I tell you

And it was after I kissed him that I thought guys like that were pathetic and disgusting and why the heck was I coming to his sick level. Because I wanted to believe what he was saying to me. I wanted to make believe for a while that a guy actually liked me. But I wanted revenge, which I shouldn't have wasted my time with the idea. The guy doesn't deserve to be thought off because his ideas of girls are wrong. He doesn't deserve my tears. And I feel bad for his sad, pathetic self that thinks its okay to treat girls that way. But I was just as wrong...I never should have let myself go like that and cave in. I made the choice to enter his level.

Most importantly I feel bad for myself for letting me sink that low. I have self esteem issues every once and a while but never something that low. I do think better of myself and I will never let myself sink that low. Want to know why? Because I am a beautiful daughter of God. A beautiful Daughter of God who learns from her tragic mistakes and through hard times.  A beautiful daughter of God who has a ton of people that believe in her. A beautiful daughter of God who has parents tell her everyday that she is smart, talented, beautiful and worth it. That any worthy young man would be lucky to marry a girl like me and their is nothing wrong with waiting for the right guy.  A beautiful daughter of God with a ton of people who believe in me. They see something with me that I have a hard time seeing I just need to trust in what my parents say and what people believe in me say. I should believe if believing is all I can do. Even if I don't have faith in it, believing is just the start.

I hope when I meet the right guy he can forgive me and my stupid moments. Because I've forgiven myself.

Its been a long year and I'm finally ready to be here.

Moving and Some Other Things

My life is changing; changing a lot. I've learned I really hate change, I guess I'm a creature of habit and don't get me wrong there is change that I do like. For example changing my wardrobe, my hair, my room, a new student ward in Rexburg. Things that I have control over. Makes sense to me I'm one of those people that just needs to be in control to feel whole and complete. So here is the story of my summer. 

So my actual summer started like usual: scale house, grain harvest and working with people I have known for quite some time. I trained two girls and on my last day I took pictures with Sidney. We had so much fun working together. 

The following week we (Lauren and I) finally got to see the new house. I had been getting excited and finally seeing the house sealed the deal for me our at least I thought. 

I enjoyed some beautiful Oakley sunsets (missing them already)

And then the horrible activity called packing began and then we were loading the truck. I would be lying if I said I didn't cry and I didn't have some sort of emotional reaction to leaving the house. I understand that its just a house but its the house that I grew up and learned so many things. There are lot of memories but like my mom said its just a house. And as long as we have each other thats all we need. I guess it just snuck up and surprised me because I was planning on moving home. This move was the most exhausting thing in the world. Probably one of the worst times in my life! Not exaggerating not to mention I hadn't really been myself since I came back to Oakley...maybe I can talk about that another time. 

I picked up the next day after we loaded the truck and we were moving into the new house. She was happy to see me. She's such a smiley dog. It took her a few days to finally settle down and I don't mind sleeping with her in my nice big bed with her by my feet, keeping them warm. And we enjoy walking through the neighborhood and running through the golf courses. She's a good running partner (when I'm not dragging her)!

I've been designing for some different projects. I've been feeling at home doing it. If you need help with any projects! Contact me if you need help with a project. I have other work that I'm excited to share with you.

Did I mention my backyard is a golf course and we like to take walks around the edge at nights. Sometimes we even go on to the green to take pictures with the flags. Its kind of like a park but not. And when it rains a river form that goes down the hill.

Aren't they precious. I loves them so much. Sure miss Aubs but she's having a blast in Utah at Massage Therapy Collage! She'll do great things!

Oh and I'm getting new classes. This isn't the greatest picture but those are the frames I'm getting! Super stoked!

Oh and I finally got contacts! Here's to believing in myself and loving myself for me. I've missed myself and its time to get me back again. It's kind of been a painful road but at least I'm getting somewhere. 

tuned in.

It's been a while since I've listened to T. Swizzle. And right now this song is perfect for how I'm feeling.  Oh Tay Swif, I love and hate you at the same time. You are almost to brutally honest. Just like me, only I forgive guys and I don't write songs about them (wouldn't be to bad I mean I would have millions).

My only question is why do girls have a thing for a bad guy. They know bad boys aren't good for them, so why the heck even enter the bad boy territory? Do we think we can change them? Help me out girls? I don't get it!

And on that note my next post will be about positive relationships. Ha I love opposites.
Upcoming post: How marriage prep changed my view of love, marriage, newly weds, sex, and life in general. Marriage prep was probably my favorite class (followed by History of Design and Illustration). My teacher was insightful, honest, and hilarious. 

A little inspiration for your day!

One of my favorite quotes and it reminds me not to quit! 

Because someone sees me becoming a glorious being!

Selling prints of this--11x17 poster! Contact me if your interested. 

My facebook page has more information and has my contact information.

Just search Chloe Victoria Design Studio! 

Unfulfilled Expectations

"My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the                              best and simplest way." -Ernest Hemingway

Yesterday in church we had the oppurtunity to listen to our bishopric's wives for a combined Relief Society and Preisthood meeting.  What they spoke about is something I have been thinking about for quite sometime. Unfulfilled expectations.

There are all kinds of plans. Plans parents make for their children, plans for a vacation, plans for college, plans for a career, plans for a family, plans for a wonderful family dinner and all of these plans come down to one thing. We make plans because we have expectations, hopes, dreams, and goals. We want life to meet our expectations so we make plans. And then God smiles. He knows us better than we do. Heavenly Father knows what we need.

I thought I would be married at this point, I thought I was going to do Graphic Design for my degree, I thought I would finish up at BYU-Idaho and now I'm realizing apparently thats not the plan for me. I used to ask why me a lot. For everything. I have a huge list that could be endless from my health to my dating life. I didn't understand, I had righteous desires but life was pushing me in another direction. Which is hard when I want everything to go exactly as I envision it (a terrible flaw at that).

One day, I really can't remember when but it may have been when I was talking to my dad and mom, I realized I had a choice. My parents, being people who understand how hard it can be when a brain is against you and it seems like the world is against you too, asked me if I really wanted to be miserable. I realized I had to be okay with what was going on with my life. I had to be okay that I had a mental illness and a disorder. I had to be okay that hoshimoto's and the new chronic pain would change my life. I had to be okay with the fact that I don't get asked out on dates. I had to be okay that I'm not married yet and it could be several years down the road before it happens. And its all going to be okay. I will be okay. Even if not all my expectations are not met I'm going to be okay. When days get hard and I'm having a tough time believing in myself and abilities and the future I just have to believe. Even if I don't have the faith I start out believing. I believe I'm going to be okay and its going to be okay if I have unfulfilled expectations.

We may be disappointed when things don't go our way its okay. Its just means that there is something greater in store for you. Something more spectacular than anything you can actually imagine. Within our unfulfilled expectations we can find greater blessings of our Heavenly Father shaping us, trimming us, molding us, improving us beyond what we could imagine.

I have found many things to be happy about even though my expectations of my life have changed and have been thrown into the back burner. For one I'm more appreciate of the atonement everyday because it covers my pain and grief. I've been able to able other people with their own problems. I've grown in my relationships with my parents and siblings. Most importantly I've learned a lot about myself.  For me it was knowing that Heavenly Father still loves me even though He doesn't answer my prayers the way I want them to be answered. 

Whether you are woman trying to get pregnant, adoption doesn't go the way you want, you fail a class that a roommate did well in, you didn't make the sports team, you didn't get that job you were hoping for, you aren't dating as much as you would like, you're a guy and the girls turn you down or anything in life just seems to be going wrong don't give up just yet.  Heavenly Father has amazing things in store for you. Even if your faith isn't big rely on what you have. It will grow. Believe in good things to come because they are coming.

I'm probably the most impatient person when it comes to helping myself. I get mad when things don't go the way I planned, I blame myself for things not going right. And its pretty hard living with someone thats not on your side. Trust me I've been doing it for 21 and 1/2 years and its rough. I've just come to believe when things don't go as planned its just God nudging me to a better path, better future. And it has come down I just have to have faith in the future. Faith in my Heavenly Father. Faith that everything is going to be okay. Good things are coming. There is goodness around us. Heavenly Father is waiting to help us, just a matter of having faith in Him. We are shaped by our unfulfilled expectations. We learn to readjust and grow not only as human beings but also in our faith.

Everything is going to be okay if we follow our faith and do what we need to do.  Make the choice to be happy and okay with your situation, no matter how hard it is. Its worth it. I've had some dark moments and never thought I could come out of it but as soon as I made the choice to be okay with it things seemed to get better. Things got better when my attitude got better.

God has a plan for each of us.  It may not be what we have in mind but its the best for us. God loves us so much He wants to help us become the best we can be. Be happy you are a live and thats a pretty remarkable thing when you think about it! 

"We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won't, for he sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming."-Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

Driggs

When I found out about the Driggs Firework show I wanted to get on that action. It meant a little road trip out of Rexburg-which I was in desperate need to get out of my apartment. I texted some friends and Ketrea gladly wanted to come! It was a beautiful drive, even if it was cloudy. I definitely fell in love with area; it was so gorgeous! Once we got closer to town I was surprised to see how huge this firework program was. But it made since when I found out it was put on Huntsman Springs (apart of the Jon Huntsman foundation) it made perfect sense! My parents when to Driggs last year and raved about Teton Thai so when the vendors at golf course didn't seem worth it, Ketrea and I decided it was worth walking into town get some thai. And Boy is was worth it. I loved the rustic look of the restaurant and the food was pretty amazing! I couldn't help but love the place because everything was well designed including the menu and the typography used for everything. So good. I wanted leftovers and I was full so we hit it up at the Teton Creamery. I've had better ice cream but it was good and it hit the sweet spot.  Then me and Ketrea spent forever trying to find my FHE brothers and my roommate we got to sit down and listen to the "Beach Boys". I'm not sure if they were the real ones because they sure sounded like it. Then the firework show started. at first I thought we had terrible seats but they were perfect! I've never felt so close to fireworks before or have them go off so close to me. The fireworks were set off by the stage put also around the whole lawn area! Amazing! Definitely want to go back in future years to come! Oh best part was seeing Lee Greenwood sing proud to be an American. Ha I just laugh because thats really all he's famous for and his choice of shirt was very 80s. Ha love it! And I found out of there is hot air ballon show this coming weekend and I want to go down for that! So lets just say that Driggs, Idaho stole my heart! I love the hidden gems Idaho has to offer. So glad I'm an America! More about why I love the 4th of July to come in future posts! 

Sunday Inspiration

A word of caution be careful where you watch this because it can make you cry. I made the mistake of watching it at work. I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Maybe its because my parents celebrated 23 years or I went to a cousin's wedding at the beginning of the month. Maybe its because a lot of my friends are married or engaged, starting a family. But I just love love and I love seeing couples like this! Its proves that love will always prevail!