In a Year

In a year I have:

Got a car.
Chopped my hair and let it grow out.
Broken hearts including my own.
Didn't get along with people.
Failed.
Loved people more than I thought I could.
Moved away from Rexburg.
Gotten a new start.
Over thought things.
Tried too hard.
Lost good friends.
Made new friends.
Made mistakes.
Been extremely sick and remarkably healthy.
Lived away from home and lived at home.
Moved twice in the matter of 4 weeks.
Received second chances.
Met people who have changed my life.
Taken risks.
Held on and let go.
Gave up and gave in.
Realized I deserve better than I think.
Forgiven myself.
Been loved.
Recieved help when I didn't deserve it.
Cried over lots of things.
Almost lost hope.
Rised up.
Learned to love myself again.
Been generous.
Remembered I'm enough and worthy to be loved.
Decided to be more patient with myself.
And let someone in.

This year as definitely been a crazy, stressful, terrifying and yet beautiful one. It's astonishing to me to look back, especially at the past summer, and see I survived and to know I'm in a lot better place. During the semester I honestly thought things would keep getting lousy and abhorrent. Some how my pleas with heaven were heard. I prayed everyday that things would improve, even by the smallest margin.

 I have to say that it is my best year so far, despite all the heartache and burning moments. Because I'm different. Different as in I'm better than I was January 1, 2013. I've learned how to be more patient with others, be more forgiving and understanding. I have a new purpose for myself. Mostly stressless and helps others know that they are loved. Granted I don't know how to not stress less and not to worry but it's definitely a work in progress. I still have bad days, and some how the bad days make good days taste even more sweet.

I've often asked myself, especially in 2013, why does God allow bad things to happen to good people. Bad things that could potentially cause a person to loose their faith in God. It's because ,like we have faith in Him, He has faith in us to become what He knows we can become. He knows the souls we need to touch and inspire.  He wants us to be more empathetic of each other. He wants us to help one another. He wants us to come closer to him. Heavenly Father wants us to know its okay to ask for help and that life isn't over when we seem to be in the face of defeat. He allows it because He knows easy paths don't create strong, loving, and beautiful people. He loves us enough to hurt us so we grow back stronger.

"Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow"

I know life will continue to get better as we become stronger through the years. I look forward to this next year. It will have it's share of hardship, tears, joys and cheers. 2014 will be even better than 2013, I'm sure of it.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! I hope you had a lovely day with the ones you love most. I spent the day with my family here at home and on the phone with those quite a distances away. It was quite perfect.

Dear Boys

It's been a really long time since I've done one of these. I've just haven't had the desire to write these out and if I did its in my actual journal. This could be a little different because I've encountered more guys with tinder good and bad.

Dear e,
Honestly you could learn a lesson in
first impressions and appropriateness.
It would definitely help score this
girl's digits.
-not impressed

Dear Texas,
You were fun to bad you lived
to far away for us ever actually
formally meeting each other.
-Idaho

Dear Tinder,
There has got to be a better way.
You work but you wrapped in
creepy and dipped with ick.
-the girl who can't quit

Dear Mister,
I would be lying if I didn't say you are
my favorite. Thank you for making me
laugh everyday. You are so good!
-goofball

Stock Up

One of my favorite blogs The Daybook has down this and she got the inspiration from another blog and I wanted to do it. 

Making :  memories with my mom and sisters. I love cooking with them on the holidays and everyday.

Cooking : the stuffing that won my dad's heart over once upon a time when my parents were dating. 
Drinking : Ginger Ale-it's my favorite what can I say. 
Reading : The Book Theif- my sister got me hooked
Wanting :  Someone to cuddle with. The cold weather drives this desire and I'm missing the days of my little brother who would gladly cuddle with me, he's become resistant. 
Looking: at the gorgeous woodpeckers that come to my house to eat berries on the deck.  
Playing:  Dots-I'm addicted to the game.
Wasting: money on the people I love. The holiday's make me feel kind of better about spending money because I'm not spending it on myself. 
Sewing: nothing but making plans to start sewing pillows and a duvet cover of some sort.
Wishing: for a whimsical christmas with lots of snow fall and lots of memory making. 
Enjoying:  my family all together. I've missed these days. 
Waiting: for someone to text me back. 
Liking: All the ideas I've come up with for presents for my friends
Wondering: What it would be like to be a mama and a wife. I spend so much time with kids I have started to wonder even though working with kids has become the best form of birth control. 
Loving: New Girl as always. It's such a clever show, not going to lie definitely in love with creepy, weird Schmidt. 
Hoping: for things to always work out in a positive way
Marveling: that it's practically the end of the year and I'm a very different person. Where does the time go?
Needing:  
Smelling: cologne I found amongst my things I think it was a present for that guy I was writing once upon a time. 
Wearing: Purple jeggings, black top, and a green sweater- typical fall weather 
Following:  
Noticing: how beautiful my life is. It's a thing of beauty and it's amazing I'm still alive.
Knowing: everything will be alright in the end. 
Feeling: content. I don't feel the need to rush anything and to let life give me the things I need. 
Bookmarking: recipes because who doesn't love food. 
Opening: an old favorite book. I love reading old stuff that reminds me of old feelings. 
Giggling: at my sister Aubrie, only hilarious things come out of her mouth. 

22

Yup I finally hit Taylor Swift's Song. I am twenty-two years old and I think its weird (my parents think its weird too). And this past year alone has been insane. So many changes, a new life path, and taking new risks. I my birthday's keep getting better with age or maybe my attitude is just getting better with age. Not to mention I've had a lot of great things happen to me since moving to Pocatello. So here are 22 things I'm loving about life right now.

1-I have lost 8lbs, I wasn't heavy or anything before but I'm feeling & looking great (I'm loving the comments I get when I see people who haven't seen me in a while). I'm super excited to have a waist; I can pull of outfits I would have never dreamed of wearing before.

2-I love my job at the elementary school here in Pocatello. I love helping the kids and apparently they love me. Its a lot fun and love seeing the kids eyes light up when they final understand something.

3-My home life has been great. Better than it has been. I love that I'm able to help my parents and my siblings. Not to mention I actually get to teach piano lessons to my brothers.

4-Did I mention I live pretty close to a ton of my extended family and my amazing great aunt lives just across the golf course from me. I love getting to know my cousins and spending time with them.

5-The fact that I don't have to drive 20 minutes to get into town.

6-I love my YSA ward. The girls in my R.S. are super awesome and I just feel like their my BFFs.

7- Key Lime Cheesecake. That was my birthday treat at the Cheese Cake Factory. It was super yummy. Not to mention I loved getting whip cream all over my face.

8-Supes adorable skirt I bought myself with my birthday money. Peplum and green. ( I could never pull of a peplum anything until now). Not to mention I look pretty good in it. What girl doesn't love shopping?

9-I get to cook for my family every week. Since I hate cooking for myself cooking yummy food for other people is a lot more enjoyable for me.

10-I have my big bed back. I love sleeping on my full sized bed again. Not to mention the memory foam my parents got me. I'm kind of in love with my bed. My parents spoiled me and got me a spiffy mattress bad. I love it and most days I have a hard time leaving my bed. I've always been one to love sleep so having a comfortable place to sleep is always icing on the cake.

11-Cuddle time with the dog everyday. Phoebe loves that I'm living at home.

12-For my incredible friends near or far. I am so blessed to have so many people in my life that love me and are such strong examples in my life.

13-I'm just going to come out and say it, it's not something I necessarily love but its more of I just kind of like it. Tinder. It's been an interesting experience but it's definitely helped me get out of my shell and somewhat out of my head when it comes to guys. Plus it's kind of proven to me that guys actually do find me attractive and will make an effort to talk to me first.  But there is still an element of absolute creepy when it comes to Tinder.

14-Design, who was I kidding when I said I wasn't going to do it anymore but I think I just needed some time away to realize how much I love the process and I love making things functional while making them look good. Design isn't just how it looks but also how it works.

15-Jeggings. I love wearing skinny jeans and I also love wearing yoga leggings. So it's like the perfect combonation.

16-Lately I've been digging how I've been doing my makeup, I;m so glad I've grown in my makeup abilities and it's constantly evolving. Bareminerals have become my absolute favorite. Not to mention Ulta! Ulta is just plain spectacular.

17-Unexpected things, good or bad, they help you grow. There is a beauty in uncertainty.

18-Oh Snap Chat. I use to absolutely hate Snap Chat but it's grown on me and I have some pretty great people to send snaps to and they also send pretty ridiculous snaps back.

19- The fire place. Our family room in the house were renting is lovely, with huge windows but its so cold in there all the time. So the fire place has become a great treat.

20-My car, Louie. He's been so great and a lot more reliable than my old car Rosemary, who's still kicking!

21- For the people I have made in Pocatello. Getting myself out of the comfort zone when it comes to friends has been spectacular for me. Plus my old friends are just as amazing! So grateful for their support in my move and in my new life changes. I love all my friends grateful and I would never trade them for anything in this world.

22- I love that I am feeling happy, healthy, confident, and living my life.

Wrong Roads & Wrong Guys

I've obviously been taking a break from the blogging scene and it may continue for a long while. I've just needed to live my life without needing to plan something clever to write or brag about how great my life is; isn't a blog kind of a place where you go and brag about how great your life is sometimes. Not that its a bad thing because I love reading about family and friends who are doing great, I just needed a break from doing it about myself.

 I watched this video from Mormon Messages and I honestly couldn't help but feel like God was speaking to me today. I've been thinking a lot about choices, prayer, and personal revelation. How bad things happen and still sometimes making the wrong choice some how gets us on the right path. I've made a lot of choices about my life and trusted I was making the right one.

Just over a little bit of a year ago I started writing a boy who was serving as a companion to my roommates boyfriend. And I'm sure you read the super long, and kind of melodramatic posts of my self discovery from that relationship. And my ranting and complaining about the guy (sorry missionary guy, I've grown up since then). When I first started writing him, it was fun, it was nice to talk to someone and I was starting to emotionally invest in him. One day, after writing for about 2 months I felt I needed to pray about it because I really didn't want to continue investing in this guy if nothing was to come of it. One Sunday I felt impressed it was the right thing to do and misinterpreted that feeling as something else. And as I wrote him I continued to have the feeling and then things happened and the feeling went away and it was replaced with a new feeling, you need to break up and stop writing this guy. I was honestly confused. How could God tell me this was the right thing to do and then my own personal feelings with out his influence began to change. I prayed about if what I was feeling was right or if I just needed to buck up and be not so judgmental.  I went to the temple and I knew the feeling was right and I just needed to do it. God wasn't going to have me marry someone I didn't want to. I had a choice.

Needless to say it took more than just one email to end things and trying to be friends to finally get the message to me that yes this guy was great and it could of probably worked for us,  but I had lessons to be learned about myself in a relationship, and there was some one even better for me.

I have since learned that even though God gives us a prompting we still have a choice to follow it. I could of just stop writing that guy then and there. I probably wouldn't have learned what I needed to learn. God wouldn't have been able to shape me the way He needed to.

In regards to Elder Holland's short message sometimes getting to the right road means taking a wrong one. In "What I Wish I Knew When I Was Single: How to Life as a Young Adult" by John Bytheway (which if your single find a way to listen to it because it's so helpful) he states something that has since changed my point of view of dating in general. "Sometimes dating the wrong one is the right one to lead you to the best one." Although we may have the potential to marry a plethero of different people (I honestly don't believe in soul mates or God has already predestined you to be with someone, you do have a say in who you marry) God has you date a few wrong ones so you can make a choice without a doubt to be with one of the right ones.

We have choice and God helps us be better in our choices and to help build our trust and faith in him. God loves us so much and He wants the best for us. He is teaching us how to make correct judgements and the best choices. Just because He has us go down a few wrong roads or date a few wrong people does not mean He doesn't love us. He does those things because He loves us and He wants us to be confident when we are on the right path, road, or with the right person. Isn't it pretty great to know we have someone looking over us and wants us to trust Him.

I'm so grateful that somehow when I go down the wrong road, God somehow manages to get me to the right road.

I Design| Blog & Code

I just want you to take a moment and check out this blog: Summer Sariah. I can officially do more with blogs now! I'm pretty proud of this because I taught myself everything and did some serious research to to accomplish this project. It was hard taking a project that required more than just design knowledge. So contact me if you are in need blog designer/coder. 

You can find me on Facebook or email me at chloevictoriadesign@gmail.com 

You'll definitely see some a new blog design for myself and a blog thats all for my design work. So keep checking for these exciting changes! 

Hope

There is some kind of beauty of uncertainty when hope starts to come around. Hope that everything is going to be okay. There have been days while I've been dealing with chronic pain when it was hard to even hope that I was going to be okay. There were days where I didn't believe it but I still told my mom everything was going to be okay. Those days were hard; my mom starting to cry on the phone because she just wanted me fix and wanted to take care of me.

My emotional health was not greatest. I was sensitive, felt like everyone was out to get me, and that they didn't like me.  I felt alone. Most days I would look in the mirror and just cry. It didn't help that sometimes my subconscious was against me too. I didn't do much. I just wanted to be by myself, I just didn't want to have to deal with life. I would just lie in bed and cry and be sad because I couldn't go do things.

I seemed to be crying everyday, just about little things about myself. Finally I snapped I called crying and hyperventilating to my dad. I didn't want to upset my mom, she was dealing with enough because of  her chemistry class and making sure every one else in the family was fine. Talking to my dad was a slap in the face. First he got me calmed down and feeling better and then he told me I was probably making things harder for me. Yeah I was in pain but I could definitely have a better attitude about it and things would be a lot more manageable. At first I was mad, I felt like he didn't get it.  He didn't get the amount of pain I was experiencing, just like everyone else. Then he told me pray.

Terribly enough I hadn't been praying as often as I should. I bow my head in reverence and guilt. I feel terrible I hadn't been praying to my Father in Heaven like I should. He knew what was going on but I hadn't been talking with him. I was disappointed that I had separated myself from the very being who will love me no matter what and help me. I pray and pray and pray. And sometimes prayers turn into conversations with my Heavenly Father. And finally I just ask the question that I've been avoiding to ask and one that I was trying not to ask. I ask why I had to be experience thing chronic pain, why I had the mental health problems, why everything else that was going wrong in my life was, and why I made mistakes when I knew better. I just laid it out for any possible whys to be answered.

And then I felt the feeling of hope. Hope that everything was going to be okay. I knew that God had given me these challenges because he knew I was strong enough to handle something like this. Better than His other children. I had hope in myself again. I knew I could do these hard things. I knew things would be hard but I could do it.

Somedays are still hard. I still have a hard time being okay with me but then I'm reminded of the love my Heavenly Father has for me. In the moments I remember the love of my Heavenly Father I reminded the gift he gave me. The gift of His son. The Atonement gives me hope. Heavenly Father gives me hope.

Having the gospel in my life gives me hope. I have hope when I look at my family. I have hope when people tell me they love me. I have hope when I create. I have hope when I read the scriptures and make the changes I need to be close to my Heavenly Father. I have hope when I see other do amazing things. I have hope when people tell me that I have helped them.

Funny thing about hope, it floats. It doesn't sink. Hope will allow us to believe in ourselves again. Without hope I would have given up a long time ago. I wouldn't have kept fighting; for myself or for others.

So to those who have reached out to me and have shared their words of belief in me and what I can accomplish thank you. You have know idea how much that has touched me and has helped me keep believing! You have given me hope again. So thank you for reading my blog and giving me your comments, whether on here or through facebook. I love you all and I appreciate every single one of you! 

A New Start

Please be warned that some things in this post might shock you. It was hard enough to share and I felt impressed to share because I don't want teenage girls or young adult women making the same stupid mistake as me.



As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression on pretty much a daily occasion one thing that I struggle with if people are being genuinely honest or are they just being nice. I have since decided that a lot of it is just me having issues and they are really being genuinely honest. Lets have a little break down about whats going through my head. And something that helped me resolve this thinking.

Since the move was going to happen I've had a lot of people tell I was going to meet the guy I was going to marry. It started with my supervisor at the Scale House, our I think it was just you'll be married by next year. Then it was my boss when he talked about how I probably wasn't coming back Harvest of 2014, I figured he was just saying that because I was moving with my family. Then I was frequently asked by Truck Drivers who my boyfriend was. They can be sweet sometimes. Then I was talking to a friend that I used to work with who proceeded to tell me that I had plenty of girl friend material and that the boys in Rexburg didn't have enough boyfriend material--I figured he was just being nice. He said that life would throw a man at me because I didn't deserve two years of hell in a row. Sweet. Then I have talked to a few people that have told me I was going to find a guy here in Pocatello. Either these people are delusional are being utterly sweet to me or they are on to something I don't want to believe.

I want to believe these people with all my heart but that well has run dry. I'm coming to terms with the idea of being by myself. I've been doing it for so long its my comfortable void. When I do open up I either I get hurt or I start to loose interest in the guy. Or I look at a guy and think oh he looks nice and interesting and I shut down the idea because I don't think I'm good enough or I just think "you have no chance because you have no idea what your doing when it comes to guys."

I'm a wallflower, a plain jane, and yet I have done nothing for myself when it comes to guys. So I've come to this conclusion  I think they are being honest to some degree. They see my potential and they want me to achieve that. And there's me who just brushes off what they say, thinking they are just being nice and not believing in myself. And now I'm asking myself why is that? Well I guess more of my mom asking me that.

Do I really not think that I'm worth it. Well after writing this I guess I don't. Do I want to change it? Yes but not really, thats to hard and I don't want to come off as conceded and I would rather be comfortable. But no, I do want to change. And I do have a reason to believe I deserve the best.

Let's just say that while I was home I gave in to a piece of crap guy and "hooked up" (made out with) with him because I thought I couldn't do any better and I was just destined to get not so great guys because those are the only ones after me. I got hurt emotionally. I learned I couldn't just kiss a guy for no reason at all like a close friend I know. I felt jaded and tarnished after it happened not to mention he was terrible kisser. Shouldn't you kiss someone who brings out the best in you. Shouldn't a kiss really mean hey I love you and thank you for staying and making me a better person. Not hey I really don't care about you and I just really had this urge and wanted to get it out. Yeah I think your Hot but thats about it, there is nothing more I want from you or think of you in any other way. I really don't want to hear about our problems even though I tell you

And it was after I kissed him that I thought guys like that were pathetic and disgusting and why the heck was I coming to his sick level. Because I wanted to believe what he was saying to me. I wanted to make believe for a while that a guy actually liked me. But I wanted revenge, which I shouldn't have wasted my time with the idea. The guy doesn't deserve to be thought off because his ideas of girls are wrong. He doesn't deserve my tears. And I feel bad for his sad, pathetic self that thinks its okay to treat girls that way. But I was just as wrong...I never should have let myself go like that and cave in. I made the choice to enter his level.

Most importantly I feel bad for myself for letting me sink that low. I have self esteem issues every once and a while but never something that low. I do think better of myself and I will never let myself sink that low. Want to know why? Because I am a beautiful daughter of God. A beautiful Daughter of God who learns from her tragic mistakes and through hard times.  A beautiful daughter of God who has a ton of people that believe in her. A beautiful daughter of God who has parents tell her everyday that she is smart, talented, beautiful and worth it. That any worthy young man would be lucky to marry a girl like me and their is nothing wrong with waiting for the right guy.  A beautiful daughter of God with a ton of people who believe in me. They see something with me that I have a hard time seeing I just need to trust in what my parents say and what people believe in me say. I should believe if believing is all I can do. Even if I don't have faith in it, believing is just the start.

I hope when I meet the right guy he can forgive me and my stupid moments. Because I've forgiven myself.

Its been a long year and I'm finally ready to be here.

Moving and Some Other Things

My life is changing; changing a lot. I've learned I really hate change, I guess I'm a creature of habit and don't get me wrong there is change that I do like. For example changing my wardrobe, my hair, my room, a new student ward in Rexburg. Things that I have control over. Makes sense to me I'm one of those people that just needs to be in control to feel whole and complete. So here is the story of my summer. 

So my actual summer started like usual: scale house, grain harvest and working with people I have known for quite some time. I trained two girls and on my last day I took pictures with Sidney. We had so much fun working together. 

The following week we (Lauren and I) finally got to see the new house. I had been getting excited and finally seeing the house sealed the deal for me our at least I thought. 

I enjoyed some beautiful Oakley sunsets (missing them already)

And then the horrible activity called packing began and then we were loading the truck. I would be lying if I said I didn't cry and I didn't have some sort of emotional reaction to leaving the house. I understand that its just a house but its the house that I grew up and learned so many things. There are lot of memories but like my mom said its just a house. And as long as we have each other thats all we need. I guess it just snuck up and surprised me because I was planning on moving home. This move was the most exhausting thing in the world. Probably one of the worst times in my life! Not exaggerating not to mention I hadn't really been myself since I came back to Oakley...maybe I can talk about that another time. 

I picked up the next day after we loaded the truck and we were moving into the new house. She was happy to see me. She's such a smiley dog. It took her a few days to finally settle down and I don't mind sleeping with her in my nice big bed with her by my feet, keeping them warm. And we enjoy walking through the neighborhood and running through the golf courses. She's a good running partner (when I'm not dragging her)!

I've been designing for some different projects. I've been feeling at home doing it. If you need help with any projects! Contact me if you need help with a project. I have other work that I'm excited to share with you.

Did I mention my backyard is a golf course and we like to take walks around the edge at nights. Sometimes we even go on to the green to take pictures with the flags. Its kind of like a park but not. And when it rains a river form that goes down the hill.

Aren't they precious. I loves them so much. Sure miss Aubs but she's having a blast in Utah at Massage Therapy Collage! She'll do great things!

Oh and I'm getting new classes. This isn't the greatest picture but those are the frames I'm getting! Super stoked!

Oh and I finally got contacts! Here's to believing in myself and loving myself for me. I've missed myself and its time to get me back again. It's kind of been a painful road but at least I'm getting somewhere. 

tuned in.

It's been a while since I've listened to T. Swizzle. And right now this song is perfect for how I'm feeling.  Oh Tay Swif, I love and hate you at the same time. You are almost to brutally honest. Just like me, only I forgive guys and I don't write songs about them (wouldn't be to bad I mean I would have millions).

My only question is why do girls have a thing for a bad guy. They know bad boys aren't good for them, so why the heck even enter the bad boy territory? Do we think we can change them? Help me out girls? I don't get it!

And on that note my next post will be about positive relationships. Ha I love opposites.
Upcoming post: How marriage prep changed my view of love, marriage, newly weds, sex, and life in general. Marriage prep was probably my favorite class (followed by History of Design and Illustration). My teacher was insightful, honest, and hilarious. 

A little inspiration for your day!

One of my favorite quotes and it reminds me not to quit! 

Because someone sees me becoming a glorious being!

Selling prints of this--11x17 poster! Contact me if your interested. 

My facebook page has more information and has my contact information.

Just search Chloe Victoria Design Studio! 

Unfulfilled Expectations

"My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the                              best and simplest way." -Ernest Hemingway

Yesterday in church we had the oppurtunity to listen to our bishopric's wives for a combined Relief Society and Preisthood meeting.  What they spoke about is something I have been thinking about for quite sometime. Unfulfilled expectations.

There are all kinds of plans. Plans parents make for their children, plans for a vacation, plans for college, plans for a career, plans for a family, plans for a wonderful family dinner and all of these plans come down to one thing. We make plans because we have expectations, hopes, dreams, and goals. We want life to meet our expectations so we make plans. And then God smiles. He knows us better than we do. Heavenly Father knows what we need.

I thought I would be married at this point, I thought I was going to do Graphic Design for my degree, I thought I would finish up at BYU-Idaho and now I'm realizing apparently thats not the plan for me. I used to ask why me a lot. For everything. I have a huge list that could be endless from my health to my dating life. I didn't understand, I had righteous desires but life was pushing me in another direction. Which is hard when I want everything to go exactly as I envision it (a terrible flaw at that).

One day, I really can't remember when but it may have been when I was talking to my dad and mom, I realized I had a choice. My parents, being people who understand how hard it can be when a brain is against you and it seems like the world is against you too, asked me if I really wanted to be miserable. I realized I had to be okay with what was going on with my life. I had to be okay that I had a mental illness and a disorder. I had to be okay that hoshimoto's and the new chronic pain would change my life. I had to be okay with the fact that I don't get asked out on dates. I had to be okay that I'm not married yet and it could be several years down the road before it happens. And its all going to be okay. I will be okay. Even if not all my expectations are not met I'm going to be okay. When days get hard and I'm having a tough time believing in myself and abilities and the future I just have to believe. Even if I don't have the faith I start out believing. I believe I'm going to be okay and its going to be okay if I have unfulfilled expectations.

We may be disappointed when things don't go our way its okay. Its just means that there is something greater in store for you. Something more spectacular than anything you can actually imagine. Within our unfulfilled expectations we can find greater blessings of our Heavenly Father shaping us, trimming us, molding us, improving us beyond what we could imagine.

I have found many things to be happy about even though my expectations of my life have changed and have been thrown into the back burner. For one I'm more appreciate of the atonement everyday because it covers my pain and grief. I've been able to able other people with their own problems. I've grown in my relationships with my parents and siblings. Most importantly I've learned a lot about myself.  For me it was knowing that Heavenly Father still loves me even though He doesn't answer my prayers the way I want them to be answered. 

Whether you are woman trying to get pregnant, adoption doesn't go the way you want, you fail a class that a roommate did well in, you didn't make the sports team, you didn't get that job you were hoping for, you aren't dating as much as you would like, you're a guy and the girls turn you down or anything in life just seems to be going wrong don't give up just yet.  Heavenly Father has amazing things in store for you. Even if your faith isn't big rely on what you have. It will grow. Believe in good things to come because they are coming.

I'm probably the most impatient person when it comes to helping myself. I get mad when things don't go the way I planned, I blame myself for things not going right. And its pretty hard living with someone thats not on your side. Trust me I've been doing it for 21 and 1/2 years and its rough. I've just come to believe when things don't go as planned its just God nudging me to a better path, better future. And it has come down I just have to have faith in the future. Faith in my Heavenly Father. Faith that everything is going to be okay. Good things are coming. There is goodness around us. Heavenly Father is waiting to help us, just a matter of having faith in Him. We are shaped by our unfulfilled expectations. We learn to readjust and grow not only as human beings but also in our faith.

Everything is going to be okay if we follow our faith and do what we need to do.  Make the choice to be happy and okay with your situation, no matter how hard it is. Its worth it. I've had some dark moments and never thought I could come out of it but as soon as I made the choice to be okay with it things seemed to get better. Things got better when my attitude got better.

God has a plan for each of us.  It may not be what we have in mind but its the best for us. God loves us so much He wants to help us become the best we can be. Be happy you are a live and thats a pretty remarkable thing when you think about it! 

"We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won't, for he sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming."-Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

Driggs

When I found out about the Driggs Firework show I wanted to get on that action. It meant a little road trip out of Rexburg-which I was in desperate need to get out of my apartment. I texted some friends and Ketrea gladly wanted to come! It was a beautiful drive, even if it was cloudy. I definitely fell in love with area; it was so gorgeous! Once we got closer to town I was surprised to see how huge this firework program was. But it made since when I found out it was put on Huntsman Springs (apart of the Jon Huntsman foundation) it made perfect sense! My parents when to Driggs last year and raved about Teton Thai so when the vendors at golf course didn't seem worth it, Ketrea and I decided it was worth walking into town get some thai. And Boy is was worth it. I loved the rustic look of the restaurant and the food was pretty amazing! I couldn't help but love the place because everything was well designed including the menu and the typography used for everything. So good. I wanted leftovers and I was full so we hit it up at the Teton Creamery. I've had better ice cream but it was good and it hit the sweet spot.  Then me and Ketrea spent forever trying to find my FHE brothers and my roommate we got to sit down and listen to the "Beach Boys". I'm not sure if they were the real ones because they sure sounded like it. Then the firework show started. at first I thought we had terrible seats but they were perfect! I've never felt so close to fireworks before or have them go off so close to me. The fireworks were set off by the stage put also around the whole lawn area! Amazing! Definitely want to go back in future years to come! Oh best part was seeing Lee Greenwood sing proud to be an American. Ha I just laugh because thats really all he's famous for and his choice of shirt was very 80s. Ha love it! And I found out of there is hot air ballon show this coming weekend and I want to go down for that! So lets just say that Driggs, Idaho stole my heart! I love the hidden gems Idaho has to offer. So glad I'm an America! More about why I love the 4th of July to come in future posts! 

Sunday Inspiration

A word of caution be careful where you watch this because it can make you cry. I made the mistake of watching it at work. I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Maybe its because my parents celebrated 23 years or I went to a cousin's wedding at the beginning of the month. Maybe its because a lot of my friends are married or engaged, starting a family. But I just love love and I love seeing couples like this! Its proves that love will always prevail!

I Design

Even though I'm not doing graphic design full time anymore I still love it. This announcement was a great challenge for me because making sure all the information fit just right was difficult. There was a lot of information and I wanted it to be readable. (My biggest pet peeve with announcements is not being able to read the information.) If you are in need of a unique announcement, thats well designed and all about you, contact me at chloevictoriadesign@gmail.com or (208)312-1873. I can't wait to work with you! 

Tuned in.

Just some of my favorite songs that explain the feelings and emotions I'm going through right now. At least I'm being honest. No need to apologize for that.

    

"Hey, I know you're not okay even though you say you are."

"Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith. It means being 'willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.' Ultimately, patience means being 'firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord' every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so. In the words of John the Revelator, 'Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and ... faith [in] Jesus.'"

I remember when I didn't feel the need to withdraw myself because I wasn't experiencing pain.

I remember when it didn't hurt to get to sleep.

I remember when waking up was easier.

I remember running was a little more fulfilling and a little less painful.

I remember when I had lots of really caring friends in Rexburg. Now its a select few.

I remember when the only hard thing about piano was remembering the notes, not my hands hurting after 5 minutes of playing.

I remember when I didn't have to pretend I was okay because I was already okay.

I remember when I wanted to be a part of everything do crazy things every night.

I remember when I didn't have to worry about the future so much.

I remember I smiled because I was happy not because I was trying to help myself feel better.

I remember when it was a lot easier to be happy.

I remember when physical pain didn't emotionally drain me.

I remember when people would listen when I spoke.

I remember when people didn't need to ask me if I was okay. They just knew I wasn't okay.

I remember when I didn't have hide the pain from people.

Lately I've trying to do my best to patient with others. Its kind of hard when you have such amazing friends before that took care of you and knew just what to say, and didn't judge you because you were "sick" or act like your ruining things because you don't feel up to it today. Sometimes I find it hard to have patience with others when they aren't patient with me. I'm willing to accommodate you if you are willing to accommodate me. I don't want to have to tell you I'm not okay, I just want you to go hey maybe she isn't okay.

When bad things happens or I'm in a lot of pain I act like I'm okay. I don't want to seem like I'm giving up or weak. I would much rather be the one taking care of others rather than having others take care of me. I want to feel normal. I've never felt normal until I came to college and now that has changed. I don't want to feel like other people need to take care of me. But when people do take care of me I'm grateful and glad someone is willing to help me and was paying attention. Paying attention to me like I would pay attention to them when I know something is not okay.  I'm glad when someone take the opportunity to say hey let me help you because I know you are not okay. Its easier for me being a person who has a hard time asking for help. I rather just give what I can to help rather than asking for help. And its definitely a pride issue but its how I've been since I was little. And here's me setting aside my pride and saying hey I really do need help, I really do need someone to understand, I really am not okay, could you give me a hug or help me with little things around the house, could you understand that when I say I'm okay right now I'm really not that okay.

I wish I okay and I wish I could make it stop. Please, would you just help me. 

Dear Boys

Its been awhile since I've done dear boys, and that probably has to do with my lack there of. We can discuss my awkwardness and about the days I have where I don't really care.

Dear Apparently Engaged Guy,
You should consider getting your self a ring.
Engagement rings for guys are good idea.
-embarrassed flirt

Dear Tom Sellek,
Thank you for your mustache. And thanks
for doing the voice over for North America.
-slightly obsessed with mustaches

Dear S,
Thanks for believing in me and being the
older brother I never had. Its could to know
I have you when life get hard in Rexburg.
Sorry I left you in Graphic Design.
Love,
Chelo

Dear Walmart Guy,
Maybe you'll eventually get my number...
but I'm not holding my breath.
-miss talkative

Dear Papa,
Thanks for taking care of me. Making sure
I'm okay even though you can't stop the pain.
Lucky to have you as my dad!
love,
chlojo

23 years

Aren't my parents adorable! 23 Years ago today they got married in the Logan, Utah LDS Temple. They have raised 4 children, worked hard to provide for their children, and kept their marriage strong all at the same time. I'm extermely lucky to have the caring parents that I do. Parents that are patient with me and have given as much as they could give me. They have taught me to live the gospel of Jesus Christ, be a good hard worker, be kind to everyone, to be the best I can be, and the importance of family. Even though I don't live at home, they are always helping me, taking care of me, and supporting me. They are remarkable parents. They have set a wonderful example for me. I hope to be a good mom like my mom and to find a worthy husband like my father. My parents stick together and are partners.  Because they are different they are able to make their marriage better. Marriage isn't easy and my parents have proved that its worth it. I love you Mom and Dad. Not many people stay married as long as you have these days! I'm proud to call myself your daughter and to say you are my parents. Thank you for loving me from the beginning, I'm so blessed to have you in my life. I can always count on you when life gets hard and I just need my parents.  Here's to you and many more years to come! 

Silver Linings

{via my iPhone}

The Tuesday after Memorial Day felt like the day I received the personal revelation I needed to stay in Rexburg and not worry about a mission ever. It wasn't what I was supposed to do. I so wanted to go on a mission, just like I wanted to have a degree in Graphic Design. But now I know that things change for a great purpose even if its hard. 

Tuesday was difficult because for one it was weird not going to class. And second I missed my classmates and the new things I would have learned from my teacher. I love graphic design and I believe I have a knack for it. Its hard letting going of something you thought was so right and perfect for you and believe God has something better for you. Maybe there is a reason I started to consider transferring. For many unknown reasons I guess. Which sometimes I really hate the unknown because I can't control it. I'm old enough to just get over that one by now. I'm in college and I've been dealing with that for a long time. 

I wish changes were easier to get over. I'm looking for silver linings in my life. That little silver that will make me feel just a smidgen better with all this negativity surrounding m.  I guess the one silver lining in my life among all this craziness (being 21 and arthritic...not cool Robert Frost!) is that I realized graphic design wasn't for me and there is something and somewhere that needs me more than me contributing to the applied arts world. Its remarkable to me that even in trails and adversity you can always find good. Good small things in your life or good people with good hearts! Thank goodness for opposites our we wouldn't know how to appreciate the moments that matter most.  Stumbled upon this gem when I really needed it.

mornings

That face describes best how I feel about mornings lately. Mornings have been hard for me for 3 weeks running now. My body hurts, doesn't want to move and sometimes when I wake up I just don't have the motiviation to be strong and get over it.  The arthritis blood test did come back with abnormalities and if my pain continues I need to see a rumetologist (joy. more doctors).  I've never been a fan of mornings to begin with but now I loathe mornings now. Before it was the fact that I had to get out of bed and not sleep anymore but now I have to wake up and feel pain. Living with chronic pain isn't just being physically drained but emotionally it is hard. I've noticed my motivation has dropped significantly. Some days I struggle with finding the energy to take care of myself; make myself presentable, cleaning my room, and getting some sort of exercise in. I want the pain to go away because I know how it feels to not be in pain.  Its getting better in the way that I'm dealing with it better emotionally. I'm not crying all the time like I was before (hurray for meditation!) So maybe someday I'll like mornings. 

Hard to Make Decisions

I was faced with a hard decision last week. Whether or not I should continue to pursue graphic design while I am at school. Was this new health problem a way of nudging me onto a better path.

I love graphic design. Going down the graphic design path brought me to my love of type and it brought me closer to my Heavenly Father because I was creating; creating just like him.  After taking my first graphic design class I knew it consumed time and that it created stress in my life.  But I loved it. I was solving problems creatively and doing something that I was so excited to learn about. Did I really want to give up doing Graphic Design as a career? I love it so much, why would I want to give up something I love.

I had been feeling that way for quite some time. It was unintentional and it was frustrating me. Then we get to spring 2013. I love my graphic design teacher and class. I’m learning a lot and it makes me excited for the future. Getting close to finishing up the first project and I have my first melt down. He wants me to retake all of my pictures. How was I going to do that  in two days and get enough sleep. With my Hoshimoto’s I need a good amount of rest.  And I stress about getting enough sleep all the time but this put me into overdrive. I had already been stressed out from my previous semester that had somehow carried over to this semester. I didn’t feel in control.  Everything started to change.

The pain started a Wednesday evening. I was trying to press forward in a class trying to get the homework. Before I got to my homework I went to a work activity because that’s basically my only time to really get to know the other people in the office. I’m in a separate department within the admissions office from most of the student employees. So my initial thought was,” Why the heck is this happening.” I’m doing pretty well (at least I thought) managing my time and getting homework done. I was taking some serious upper level classes, working, and trying to have some sort of a social life. Everything was just slipping through my fingers. I was stressing out because I’m so close to graduating (3 semesters left) and now I’m having doubts about my degree. Seems a little twisted if you ask me. And it really didn’t help that I was having a hard time focusing on my homework and trying to get around in my apartment.

So Thursday comes, I have a plan. I hope everything works out. I drop my graphic design class. I know it will be best for my health. My parents are supportive, friends understand, and have a bunch of people who have my back. I gotta say I’m very fortunate and blessed with the people I have in my life!

Graphic Design will still be apart of my life. I still want to design announcements. I still want to design period. So I won’t be able to do my Design Me Better project for a while. Its time for me to get my life realigned and design it a little better. Don’t worry; I would never kill graphic design out of my life.  It will be apart of me forever. I still will be critical of the announcements that come to my parents and myself.  I’ve come to realize graphic design is more fulfilling if I enjoy it and I’m not so stressed out about it.

I also want to help kids. Kids who have autism, bipolar disorder,  ADHD, depression, anything and everything. I was once a kid that felt misunderstood and didn’t understand why I felt different for a long time. Sometimes to this day I still feel misunderstood and judged because I think differently. When I was a kid I thought it was my fault that people treated me differently. I got older found out I had ADD and anxiety; my reasons for feeling different were found but I still felt different. 

And then I met with a counselor, when I was in the 9^th grade,  for a couple of months that really helped me understand I could make the choice to not be upset. People just don't understand and I can't expect them to change. I want to help kids understand that the way people treat them is only because those people don’t understand.  Understand that the child thinks differently and was made differently. Isn’t it kind of annoying that we live in a cultural that’s all about being different but if you have you can’t help thinking different turns you into a problem. I hate the stigmas about mental health. But I’m grateful I don’t live in a time where people would say I’m possessed because I have ADD or depression.  It is getting better but frankly we live in an age of being accepting we could do better.

So my life is changing in a lot of ways I did not expect. I’m probably not returning to Rexburg in the fall. I’m changing my blog if you couldn’t tell. I’m changing my attitude. I’m also making some lifestyle changes. Reducing stress because it could be related to the chronic pain I am experiencing.  So I’m going after new dreams and keeping old ones alive. Sometimes we do need to go down a certain path and find ourselves at point where we can keep going down that path or realize that there is a better (but not easier than the one you are on) path that will help more than we think.