Home is Where Ever I Am With You

In a recent turn of events my parents are letting me use the camry while I’m at school. It has been the greatest blessing for me and for some of my roommates. The timing of being help to have car was quite remarkable. I was able to make it home even though it seemed  impossible that I would make it a specific weekend. Then fast forward to Wednesday when I’m back in Rexburg go to the doctor and have a terrible reaction again to a numbing agent that had epinephrine. Basically I feel okay after I’ve been given it and then it’s the following day when it feels like a bomb has exploded in my body. My head is throbbing, my arms hurt, I feel dizzy and feel short of breath. I just want to sleep rather than feel everything, I want to cry because I shouldn’t feel this way. Research from when this first happened, by my mother, found that I shouldn’t have anything with epinephrine. Epinephrine is adrenaline and because of my thyroid problem my body has a hard time getting rid of it. It makes me feel sick and ready to pass out every time I stand up. I’m in constant pain.

When this was happening again, my mother was furious. There is no stopping her when one of her babies is hurt or in pain. She talked to the doctor for me because I was super upset and wasn’t feeling well. My mom is incredible, she does hard things for me. Finally she calls after trying to get me a different doctor to help me in Rexburg, starts to cry on the phone with me, and I say I’m coming home so I can go to family doctor.

Nothing can replace family. Even though home isn’t really home for me any more, I always feel like I am at home with my family. They love me and are going to take care of me no matter what. Roommates are great and FHE family is great but its not really in their job description to take care of you or be worried about you. Haley and Kelcie, my roommates, have been great making sure I have everything and that I’m as comfortable as I can be. But family is different. As soon as I got home I was relieved. I was in a home that had the priesthood and the spirit present. I had people there who loved me. My siblings cheered me up right away by watching Goats who scream like humans.  I could set aside my frustrations that I was having awhile I was at work. You try so hard to feel like everything is fine but you aren’t, you just want someone to look at you, hug you, and say I know you aren’t alright let me help you, let me make you feel better, let me hold you while you cry. That’s what family is for. Family is there to help you reassemble yourself from falling apart. Family is there to love you when you want to hate yourself. Family is there to remind you that Heavenly Father never intended for you to be alone on this earthly journey.  Family will always be important to me because when I look at them I see home. 

John Hughes did not direct my life.

 

Nope he didn't and I can't seem to direct people in my own life because they have their own life. I can't tell guys that what they did was jerk worthy. Maybe its a good idea so they have some sense of why a girl is mad. Are girls just to overly sensitive or are guys really that thick? I know men have great intentions, a select few really don't, but for the most part they do. A select few know what chivalry is. And of that select few actually make an effort to be chivalrous. But could it be this "I'm an independent girl" persona that has caused guys to not be chivalrous.

For me I guess I do exude that kind of persona because I'm that 10-story building you can't find on google maps even if you tried. I can relate so much to how Olive Panderghast fells in the beginning Easy A. Except I don't plan on unintentionally spreading rumors about myself that I'm a "hussy". I would have to some how unattach myself from Audrey Hepburn, because she would be greatly disappointed. But back to what I was saying, maybe I act all "Miss Independent" because I want to seem okay and strong. I don't need help from a guy and I don't want to seem lazy. I don't want to see pathetic and think a guy is that important so I come on as a strong very independent. But maybe I'm contributing to this whole chivalrous problem. I'm denying guys to practice chivalry to the point that they don't want to try anymore. 

I seem to put up a lot of fronts. When it comes to love I seem to be this deep cynic about it because I've never had a "real boyfriend" or had a guy interested in me enough to ask me out. I all romantic comedies for distorting my view on love. Because basiclly my life is a romantic comedy except there is no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.Or the sarcastic front I tend to put up when I'm around the guy that I like. Or I pull I'm so independent I don't need a man, a boyfriend as a matter of fact. 

Don't get me wrong I truly love being single but putting up those fronts and pushing people away because I want to remain that 10-story building no one can find can get pretty lonely and frankly it can be depressing. So I guess my effort this week is to put myself out there and direct my own life because John use most certainly won't tell me what to do it. Allow guys to be chivalrous for me. Have them do things for me when they offer. Be more of a lady than being so independent. So its time to pop in some Audrey Hepurn and watch a Lady with more class than anyone in this world at work. So women let's be ladies and let the men be gentlemen. We aren't going to get anywhere if we keep directing each other. John Hughes will just laugh at us and say, "Pathetic."

Honesty

I was thinking about why I am so brutally honest about how I'm feeling on a very public scene. I'm so honest about how crappy how I feel sometimes, some could to honest. I came up with a list of reason but most importantly I do it for whoever reads my blog. I want them to know that sometimes life is hard and sometimes its okay to have a bad day. Somebody has hit as low as you and they were able to over come. I want others to know its okay to just feel. And honestly I sometimes find it annoying when a blog is all about the good. Life isn't just good. Life is hard! It can be the biggest pain in the butt. Its good to be happy but we really wouldn't know what happiness if we didn't have sad, frustrating moments. Sometimes you just need that moment to be sad about it, cry about it, and frankly talk about it. Get it out of the system. I'm so grateful my parents are okay with me calling them up sounding fine and then breaking out into tears. Its life. And its okay to feel that way. At least your feeling and your being honest with yourself. I guess I'm so open about my feelings because I want you to know your not alone if your feeling sad. And guess what I love you even if you are feeling sad today and sad tomorrow. Its okay to feel that way every once in a while. If you never were you wouldn't feel the slightest bit happier when I said I loved you for you! You are amazing one of a kind! And I'm being honest! I feel better when I share how I feel. And sometimes owning up feeling hurts but you feel better once you own it and get over it because you felt it!

Be honest with your self and your feelings. Its something I have learned to do to be a little bit happier about my life. I may not have perfect days and I know there are never going to be perfect days. But I do have perfect moments where everything is good and happy. And those are the moments I try to look at more often then the negative. I took a health and wellness class and its healthy to have a range of emotions. It is not healthy to suppress the feelings like they aren't there. Have a good reason to cry. Be sad and then do things to make you happy. Just be honest with yourself. If you're honest with yourself, you can be honest with others. If you are honest with yourself you can be happy being yourself! You can be happy you are you and nobody can be just like you ever. Sometimes the hardest person to be honest with is yourself. Make that change. Be honest with your feelings. Be honest with you! And then let it go and let it be!

Hope ya know, I had a hard time.

My job allows me to have free range because basically my job right now is practically a dream a job; I do social media at work! While I was exploring to find something to post on the admissions that would brighten peoples' day, that's my favorite part I pick things that I think will inspire others just like inspires me, I stumble upon the new Mormon Message. Luckily I was in the back room because I started to cry really hard. President Eyring knew how I felt.

I was having a terrible couple of weeks. I had a terrible reaction to a numbing injection at the doctor's. I was trying to get rid of warts and my body does not like the numbing epinephrine shots. I found out the guy I was starting to really like liked another girl. I was lonely. I got a letter from my ex who still has delusions of seeing me after his mission.  My depression was going downhill because nothing seemed to be going right. I was getting homesick because I didn't feel good and I needed my family to just love me even though I was not the best person to be around. Then I started getting what I now know to be a migraine which has made my mood worse. I just wanted to go home. Then I find out I have to buy new adobe software after I just bought a new expensive computer. I needed to save for next semester.

I really wanted to just give up and break down. I'd been trying to get out of the funk I was in but nothing seemed to work. My roommates were trying really hard to make me feel better. I felt like my self-esteem was spent. Then I watched Mountains to Climb, proceeded to cry a lot while I was at work because I was reminded that the Savior knew, and I needed to have faith in him. I needed to move to the future with faith and greet the present with happiness. Somebody knew I was having a hard time. And that person was willing to help me. So was my family. They wanted to help me. Both know when I find it hard to say,"I hope ya know, I had a hard time." My dad is constantly reminding me to be positive, that good things are coming. My is always reminding me that I am loved by lots of people. Aubrie reminds that there is always something to laugh about. Lauren and Carter remind me to be a better example. And the Savior reminds me I'm never alone and He loves me for who I am.

There is nothing more that I need than the Savior, my family, and true friends that will constantly stand by me when times get hard. It is okay to tell some one your having a hard time. They will want to help you and they can help you.

Good Things

 

Its been awhile since I've done a good things post so I think it is much over due. 

First off I'm glad to know I have tons and tons of people who care about me. I love my roommates. I love how the are determined that I will be married someday, despite what I say other wise. They want me to find somebody. I have many friends who were willing to help me out with my computer situation. Advice.

Prayer. I relish in the fact that I know I have a Heavenly Father and He wants to hear from me. And He will speak to me as well. I was able to figure out what to do with my computer situation. It was really hard, and quite frustrating to make the decision for myself.  A big decision.  Wether or not to buy a new hard drive or a new computer.  I prayed, had my mom talk to my computer engineer uncle, and talked to the Help Desk about a computer that would help my needs the best as a graphic designer. So my prayer was answered and I now have a new computer. 

I have a new computer. Yes, I choose a mac and it has been the best fit for me!

I'm getting a car soon. I'll be glad to have a car, not excited about gas prices. All I know is it'll be a Toyota of some kind. 

My FHE group is quite spectacular. I am FHE mom and that has made things interesting. But I do love my group and how my groups gets a long so well. 

My family. I love talking to them and texting them! I sure do miss them and I can't wait to visit them! And the dog of course, really miss her! 

Priesthood blessings. I got one last week and it really strengthened my testimony. It was hard enough asking some one who was not my father but just asking is hard. I hate asking. But I guess thats something important to learn that sometimes we need to ask for help. I look forward to the day to when I'm sealed to my eternal companion who is a worthy priesthood holder.  

I forgot to mention my YSA word is amazing this semester! I love it so much! I really feel included in this ward and the Bishopric is fantastic! I don't know why it's taken me this long to get in an awesome ward.