Alone

This semester has truly been my first semester where I have felt the most lonely. Sure I have friends and close friends but significant others are always going to have more priority over me. And I completely understand and respect that. I have had other friends this semester but I really don't feel like I fit in with them. We hung out a lot at the beginning of the semester but then that slowly died out as the semester progressed. Yet I felt out of place, really didn't feel like I could be myself.

Whats worse, being in a room full of people feeling completely alone or being by yourself all alone? The first is the worse. I can't think of a worse kind of lonely than being with a group of people who are your so called "friends" and you can't be yourself. Shouldn't you be surrounded by people who  love you for who you are and what you have to say. Shouldn't they be able to see your greatness with out you even trying to impress them.

Being alone this semester has been somewhat of a breakthrough for me. I have always had friends to hang out with, I always have had somewhere to go on a Friday night since 6th grade. I was always with friends and my friends in High School were awesome! Trust me you are jealous of them with out evening knowing. I guess I've never really done things a lone until this semester.

A big moment for me in particular was when I decided to go to the Idaho Falls temple by myself. After word going to mall to do some shopping all by myself and the proceeded to go to Five guys to eat. Usually when I'm by myself I get something to go or get it in the drive through so I don't have to be seen eating alone but this time I sat there and ate my burger and fries. I was saying "Hey look I'm fine eating here by myself not relying on someone else." I don't need another person to eat this in public. I was actually comfortable with my situation. I was happy I was single (which isn't the case some days), I was happy I was alone, and I was happy I was me. Kind of a ah-ha moment type of thing. I was comfortable with the idea of just being by myself on a Friday night, heck I was comfortable with the idea of going to the movie theater by myself to go see a movie.

Granted I have this fear of being alone the rest of my life, I've had this fear ever since I was little and I think that is why I was so confident in making new friends. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. If that happens to where I never get married in this life, I'll survive and I'll make my best of the situation and be happy. Life will still be good, I'll have friends and family.  But I'm not completely at one with this whole alone thing but I'm starting to accept it. I'm starting to appreciate it and love it. There are days where I struggle with it. I'm questioning why can' people just accept me as I am and just want to hang out with me. Well I can't expect everyone to go my way or expect the to appreciate me like my other friends. Just like they can't expect the same from me about them. 

I want to be a better person for myself. As weird as it sounds I want to be able to be my own best friend. I don't want to be the reason I'm having a bad day. I want to be the girl who is confident in herself and her abilities. Be able to look into the mirror and go "Hey gorgeous girl! You can take on this crazy world. You are smart, you are capable, you do matter, you are beautiful, you are kind, and you are important. You can do it alone. Believe in yourself today!!"

Being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. It doesn't mean you are a loser. It means you are learning to appreciate yourself and be happy your living with yourself. You have to do it the rest of your life regardless of spouses or children. Alone isn't nearly as bad as our society has plagued it to be. How else is another person supposed to appreciate you if you don't appreciate yourself? Just some food for thought.