I've noticed something with how I've been talking to myself lately. A sense of negativity that I thought I had abandoned when really I had justified it to the point it just seemed ordinary. The kind of talk that I didn't deserve this because I didn't think I was good enough or worthy enough or I wasn't pretty enough. I'm sure you know that kind of talk. I didn't think I was a lot of characteristics. I have found that sometimes my thoughts often turn negative when things don't go exactly as I had hoped; despite my testimony in unfulfilled expectations and knowing God has something greater in store for me. Today while getting ready to for work I watched (well more listened than watch) a TED talk (which are like the best things ever) given by Brene Brown. Let's just say she is now one of my favorite people to listen to.
She talks about vulnerability, and I'm certain thats where some of self hate comes in. Everybody, in some way or another, experiences vulnerability. Sometimes we numb it or use it as a towards negativity; but in all reality vulnerability can have a positive power. We can turn our fear, shame, and uncertainty into a acceptance and worthiness. We can't say we don't want to feel these things, we can't selectively numb. When we try to numb the negative emotions we also numb the positive. We place blame in the wrong place. And we try to prefect each other when we were never perfect to begin with. And we need to realize that our choices and actions have an impact on people around us. Vulnerability is necessary for connections with others, whether its with friends, someone we want to be our significant other, and sometimes even family.
Our vulnerability does not have to be the ruin of us. We can be vulnerable but believe we are worthy or we can be vulnerable and not feel worthy. For most of my life I spent feeling the latter. It's probably the reason why I've never been successful with opposite sex in a more romantic relationship. Because I didn't want people to see me; actually see me for who I am. I have a vision of who I would like to be, rather than accepting me for who I am. Because bad things had happened to me, there were days where I thought I was bad person. I was trying to numb what I was feeling by hiding.
So in my project to find me, I'm going to start embracing my vulnerability. Start accepting myself for who I am. Believe in myself. Believe I am worthy and enough and able to be loved. Stop my self hate--start accepting my imperfections; because I am perfectly imperfect.
And while I work on believing in me, I want to trust others more. I want to just appreciate the people who tell me I'm beautiful, smart, important and kind; I don't want to question them anymore. I'm going to let others see me, deeply see me. Love with my whole heart even in uncertainty even if it means there will be rejection. Be grateful everyday that I am alive. And everyday start telling myself that I am enough.
Not everyone is going to like me or accept me and thats their problem not mine. I need to stop making it my problem. What's important is that I like me and accept me. My flaws make me human and hard wired for struggle but my strengths make me enough. It's time to be okay with me and start loving me. I am worthy because I know I am. It is time to take risks and feel vulnerable. And if I screw up at least I'll do so daring greatly.
"Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it's a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands." -Brene Brown, Daring Greatly
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again because there is not effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasm, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."- Theodore Roosevelt
No comments:
Post a Comment