Stock Up

Making :  Memories. I loved being with my old roommates for the weekend.

Cooking : nothing. I haven't been feeling that domestic lately.
Drinking : California Tap water. It's better than Idaho. 
Reading : To Kill a Mockingbird 
Wanting : to go back to the Bay
Looking: through all my pictures from my trip.
Playing: Monopoly with the family, with a mormon twist. You have to pay tithing.
Wasting: Money on gas to go to the Bay. 
Wishing: for a job in Logan to come my way. 
Enjoying: the picture I bought of the Golden Gate Bridge. 
Waiting:  to see my best friend in 2 weeks. 
Liking: my shirts I bought at H&M
Wondering: what it would be like to be graduated and working a full-time job. 
Loving: who I am. And who I want to be
Hoping: For a good rest of the month.
Marveling: At the fact that I got to see Alba this past weekend. 
Needing: nothing. My heart is full. 
Smelling: the ocean. I love being at the ocean
Wearing: PJs, love feeling comfy. 

Following:  The whole Ukraine debacle. Foreign affairs intrigue me. 

Noticing: How not the great driving through Northern Nevada for 6 hours isn't that great. 
Knowing: I'm beautiful and worthy to be loved. 
Feeling: awesome because I am awesome.
Bookmarking: workouts, got to get my body ready for swim suit ready. 
Opening: old design files, fixing what needs to be fixed. 
Giggling: Kaylee ,around Elko, was tired of the being the car and started exercising in the back seat and it was hilarious. 

Tinder and a little lack there off.

I got this lovely (yet disgusting) little app October of 2013 after some encouragement from my cousin Ray. Honestly after trying tinder for about 3 months and then deleting and getting it back and then deleting it and then getting it back again and deleting it once more I've learned a few things around the tinder block. Some of this may be out of bitterness but for the most part its strictly just information to help those people considering getting Tinder.

1-It is helpful to look through bio's or even through all the pictures. Honestly it will give you better answer to yourself if you really want to take a risk on the guy that has a profile picture of his torso that isn't that shabby looking but who knows what he really is asking for. I try to avoid people that will question my standards.

2-People are on there to hook up. Not just to get to know you. I've had more than just one guy just straight up tell me I'm hot and that was reason enough for him to make out with me. Not to mention how overly sexual our society I had guys wanting to do some pretty inappropriate stuff the first time we meet. I politly replied with I'm not that kind of girl My advice make your standards clear and they'll leave you alone and feel like an idiot.  

3-It's slightly addicting. All of the attention and guys talking to you because they think you're pretty. And they flat out tell you are pretty. I would find myself in a slightly creepy version of the twilight zone in tinder land. I was swiping right on everyone and I felt like I couldn't stop. Plus meeting new people can give you a rush.

4-It's a luck and numbers game. Granted you can find a few good fish but its really just a matter of luck and how many you have. You can be more selective in your matches if you live in a higher populated area or visit one or just meet people the normal way and avoid tinder all together.

5-Is Tinder really trying to get me to make friends with people I don't know? Is it to get us connected with people we don't know? The opposite of Facebook? If so they should definitley change the name and the premise of the current situation because it feels like online dating or an online bar where people can find other people for one night stands.

6-In some ways your judging people on their face value or what they want you to think. Yeah you may get to see their interests and maybe some mutual friends but really its a looks game and I don't really want to play into that anymore. Sure I want to meet attractive guys but everybody is putting up a front that they want you to see.

7-In one positive it got me out of my head and it got me talking to guys without thinking to much. I'm an over thinker so that was a plus for me. And guys talking to me first was also a positive in my book because I always felt like I was making the first move.

8-You are not going to be compatible with everyone you match with. Look at #4. It's luck finding someone who is compatible with you let alone who is willing to meet you and really put forth the effort to get to know you and understand you, you've got a gem. Honestly finding someone who appreciates you for who you are is luck.

9-Don't give your snap chat username or even your phone number until you are really sure of the risk. You reap what you sew and you don't want some weirdo sending you some crazy snaps that you won't appreciate. Trust me I know. If your not that interested, don't do it.

10-Trust your gut and your instincts. You know yourself better than you think. Granted you won't know unless you try it. Sometimes risks are worth taking.


Honestly you can take me words and interrupt to best suit you. In a respect I'm grateful I got tinder because I learned somethings about myself and I met a wonderful person who I now consider my best friend. To be honest he made tinder worth it because all I really needed was a best friend. Someone who was patient with me, reminded me of the good that is me. And that frankly I just need to relax and get out of my head. Sometimes I can't explain the craziness inside me but he has at least shown me I'm just human. And I'm grateful everyday to have a friend like him everyday.

And if it takes getting on a creepy app to get that, I guess its worth it.

Stock Up

(One of my favorite blogs The Daybook has down this and she got the inspiration from another blog and I wanted to do it too. )

Making :  Valentines Day Cards for my Mom. The Joys of being a graphic designer

Cooking : popcorn, I'm so domestic lately. 
Drinking : Water. It's become a favorite. 
Reading : Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson for the 2nd time
Wanting : Gas prices to hit 2.50
Looking: at recipes on pinterest. It's kind of a thing. 
Playing:  Flappy Bird. 36 is my best. 
Wasting: 
Wishing: for a good weekend.
Enjoying: enjoying the silence.
Waiting: for a package
Liking: 
Wondering: what it will be like to be a full time student again.
Loving: my life
Hoping: for a fun Valentine's Day
Marveling: at all my friends getting married or having babies. 
Needing: a Jamba Juice. I always need one
Smelling: chlorine from my swim suits.
Wearing: work out clothes, I just got done running
Following:  the olympics its that time every two years
Noticing: how much I love Pocatello
Knowing: things will be okay
Feeling: relief. a run does that for me
Bookmarking: again recipes to stuff my face with
Opening: Old design books
Giggling: at myself, I'm super hilarious 

14 Things

So much is going on in my life and I can't help but feel so grateful. It took time and courage to get to where I am. I'm proud to say I'm me. So here is a gratitude list of the 14 things I'm already grateful for in 2014. 

1} I'm grateful for Pocatello, who would have thought that a new town is what I needed after crazy year of health problems and losing a sense of myself. Pocatello as brought me peace, love, and happiness into my life again. It has brought me closer to my family, my faith, and my hope. 

2} I love working at Washington Elementary. Although I want babes of my own, Heavenly Father has given me the opportunity to make a difference in children lives. I love going to recess and hearing the first graders call out, "Miss Chloe! Miss Chloe!" I love seeing the eyes of the children light up when I say they are smart. 

3} My unexpected best friend. A person that came into my life when I least expected, when I probably deserved it the least. This person reminds me I'm good, smart, and beautiful. Tries to understand me, my feelings, and emotional and physical health. And thats really all I ask for in a friendship is understanding and patience. 

4} A body that looks like it belongs to a twenty something year old. It's not that I was super over weight before but I knew what I was seeing wasn't the product of me working out and eating right. And my body doesn't hurt all over and I can go be crazy and run around. I'm grateful I'm 12 pounds lighter and that I look like me again!

5} To be able to get up in the morning at not feel pain. Sometimes you take for granted the little things and then those things are taken away from you. And if you are lucky you might get a second chance to get it back!

6} The best support team in the world.  I have my family and a wonderful group of friends. Although I'm terrible at keeping in touch I know they still love me and support me. I'm so grateful for my parents for letting me live with them until I figured my life out and I regained a healthier emotional health. I'm grateful for my friends that have stood by me and continued to believe in me even when it was getting hard.

7}To have a plan for the future. I'm one of those crazies that needs a plan to feel full filled. It took me about 4 1/2 months to figure it out.  It's not really that much of a secret anymore but my big secret is I have planned on Utah State to be my university where I will finish of my degree. I don't know whether thats graphic design or early childhood development we shall have to waitt for the future to unfold. Look out Logan, Utah here I come.

8} My faith that everything will be okay and will work out for the best. Sometimes my lack of patience likes to get in the way but when I do take a breath and rely on my faith I feel peace. I love those moments the best because I don't worry I'm just content with living in the present; I don't feel the need to rush.

9} My iPhone is my greatest source with connecting to those I love. I'm glad I'm able to send a quick text saying "I love you" or "I hope your having a great day" or  just "How is life going". I'm able to let them know that I am thinking about them. Not to mention I get to see all my friends crazy pictures and miss them like crazy because I miss living with them.

10} The book "A Man's Search for Meaning" is creating impact in my life because I'm rereading it again. I was required to read for a humanities class about Art and Propaganda. When I read it then, I was just reading it for a grade but now I'm reading it to gain perspective and to change my attitude. People can take everything from you, your livelihood, your family, your possessions but they can't take your attitude. That is the one thing they can not take from you.

11} I'm gaining patience. Some days it doesn't feel like it but its happening. And I'm glad I've kept working on it despite how difficult it is for me. I'm so grateful for patience because I know I can be overbearing and I know its something I need to give back in return because that is an excellent way to show appreciation back. 

12} My calling, having a leadership calling is quite hard but it has taught me how to serve better. What to do better when I no longer have this calling. I find myself teaching myself a lot more even though I'm the one teaching the lesson. I've learned so much of myself and I have strengthened my testimony.

13} Being able to look in the mirror and say I am beautiful. For the longest time I couldn't say it because I didn't believe. And then everyday for the past month( January) I said I am beautiful, strong, enough, smart, and a plethora of other characteristics I need to believe. It has helped that I have a best friend that tells me I shouldn't question my beauty, and that I should stop thinking I'm not. 

14}Natural Vitality's Calming Drink Mix. I know this may sound cheesy or maybe just pathetic but I'm always glad when I can find something that will help me sleep better at night. Since officially parting ways with my ADD medication (and I plan on to moving on to something else) I have had a hard time falling asleep. That is what I struggle the most with when I'm not taking medication (sometimes, I'll even lack the motivation to stay focused too but thats another story.). Not only does it help with my sleep it also helps with the anxiety too. 

Granted I'm thankful for a lot of things but these are definitely my top 14 (if there is such a thing as a top 14). I can't help but be so glad that I went through all that terribleness last year to be where I am at today. If it weren't for difficult trails I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't be ready for all the changes that will be coming in my life in the next 5 months. Stay tuned! 

Skate

Not the winter kind of skating but more of the roller kind. One of the ward's in my YSA stake decided to host a stake activity. It was at the nostalgic Deleta, and when I say nostalgic I mean roller rinks remind me of the 70's and 80's. I had a stellar time with my friends. Needless to say I love roller skating and I love being a dork. Deleta is definitely a gem I will go back to. 

nothing like a good iPhone photo dump ;)

Awkward & Awesome

I told you this would be a thing, and I find it more hilarious than any of my dear boys but maybe that's because I haven't been doing "dear boy" posts in quite some time. My level of interaction with the opposite-sex has been up. Let's just say I'm not bringing some poor cat into my life anytime soon; most definitely a fish because they just have a blank look on their faces and won't judge me.

Awkward:
//The fact I went to work today with no makeup on. I just got back from my favorite city, Logan. Since taking this job at the elementary school I have always worn make up to work. I still look nice just my face isn't painted on.
//Going to the doctor with my grandma for her. I'm used to going for myself, not for someone else. Honestly seeing and being sick people makes me awkward in general because I don't want their germs, unless its a cute baby.
//How I tell myself to do things in a grown up way. Am I not a grown up already? Why do I have to add the world grown up or adult to make it sound more important? I guess I still feel like a kid.
//My lack of ability to pick up on social ques while texting. Sometimes I don't pick up on things and other times I take things the wrong way. Which is slightly embarrassing because I like to consider myself an adult. Maybe I'm starting to get too old for texting or maybe I just do better when I can hear an actual voice.
//When I eat ice cream. Apparently I look weird when I eat ice cream or drinking or maybe its just eating but that has never stopped me from indulging my chubby heart.
//How I say milk. According to my family I say it wrong so now I try not to say it (and I agree and get all embarrassed when I do say it in from of them). So if you do hear me say milk just think you got a gem. And apparently I say it as if I was from Chicago (according to New Girl).

Awesome:
//I'm making plans for my future again. I've chosen my new school and now I need to get in and get my butt to work. I can't decide if I want to live on campus, not on campus, or even with roommates period (I'll explain later, I love roommates I'm just getting old)
//Spending the day with my Grandma Dandy. I love her stories and I love hearing about Logan history. She's a really gem and she makes me laugh all the time. I don't think she realizes the funny things that come out of her mouth.
//Aggie Ice Cream. If it was legal and normal to have a relationship with food mine would be with Aggie Ice Cream. But it's not so I just get when I'm visiting Logan, gosh I could be in trouble come this fall when I have an easy access to it.
//Making awesome homemade chicken noodle soup and not really following a recipe. I just through it together. That's proof I'm my mother's daughter. I take after her when it comes to cooking.
//Taking a mini-vacation even though what happened wasn't what I hoped for. It was nice to get away and just gather my thoughts for a day-decide the things I do want for my life.
//Being okay with me, starting to embrace my vulnrability. It's kind of liberating in a sense. It's awesome to me that I'm making steps in my life to improve.

What was awkward and awesome about your week?

Stop the Self Hate. Start the Self Love.

I've noticed something with how I've been talking to myself lately. A sense of negativity that I thought I had abandoned when really I had justified it to the point it just seemed ordinary. The kind of talk that I didn't deserve this because I didn't think I was good enough or worthy enough or I wasn't pretty enough. I'm sure you know that kind of talk. I didn't think I was a lot of characteristics. I have found that sometimes my thoughts often turn negative when things don't go exactly as I had hoped; despite my testimony in unfulfilled expectations and knowing God has something greater in store for me. Today while getting ready to for work I watched (well more listened than watch) a TED talk (which are like the best things ever) given by Brene Brown. Let's just say she is now one of my favorite people to listen to.

She talks about vulnerability, and I'm certain thats where some of self hate comes in. Everybody, in some way or another, experiences vulnerability. Sometimes we numb it or use it as a towards negativity; but in all reality vulnerability can have a positive power. We can turn our fear, shame, and uncertainty into a acceptance and worthiness. We can't say we don't want to feel these things, we can't selectively numb. When we try to numb the negative emotions we also numb the positive. We place blame in the wrong place. And we try to prefect each other when we were never perfect to begin with. And we need to realize that our choices and actions have an impact on people around us. Vulnerability is necessary for connections with others, whether its with friends, someone we want to be our significant other, and sometimes even family. 

Our vulnerability does not have to be the ruin of us. We can be vulnerable but believe we are worthy or we can be vulnerable and not feel worthy. For most of my life I spent feeling the latter. It's probably the reason why I've never been successful with opposite sex in a more romantic relationship. Because I didn't want people to see me; actually see me for who I am. I have a vision of who I would like to be, rather than accepting me for who I am. Because bad things had happened to me, there were days where I thought I was bad person. I was trying to numb what I was feeling by hiding. 

So in my project to find me, I'm going to start embracing my vulnerability. Start accepting myself for who I am. Believe in myself. Believe I am worthy and enough and able to be loved. Stop my self hate--start accepting my imperfections; because I am perfectly imperfect. 

And while I work on believing in me, I want to trust others more. I want to just appreciate the people who tell me I'm beautiful, smart, important and kind; I don't want to question them anymore. I'm going to let others see me, deeply see me. Love with my whole heart even in uncertainty even if it means there will be rejection. Be grateful everyday that I am alive.  And everyday start telling myself that I am enough. 

Not everyone is going to like me or accept me and thats their problem not mine. I need to stop making it my problem. What's important is that I like me and accept me. My flaws make me human and hard wired for struggle but my strengths make me enough. It's time to be okay with me and start loving me. I am worthy because I know I am. It is time to take risks and feel vulnerable. And if I screw up at least I'll do so daring greatly. 

"Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it's a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands." -Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again because there is not effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasm, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."- Theodore Roosevelt